Killing my old man
I think at this point I should say that this change is not about religious guilt. I am not a religious person, I am a Christian – but that’s another subject.
This change is about improving my life, because I want to. Of course my faith will be part of it; it’s an integral part of who I am. But when I’m looking for porn, I’m somebody I don’t like. That’s why I’m changing.
So, why don’t I like porn-seeking me?
Quite simply, nothing else seemed to matter to me. I was late to work on a number of occasions because I would get up, switch the computer on, and get a fix before leaving the house. More recently, home-working became an option… do I need to go on?
During my last binge, even stopping to eat was a secondary consideration.
As for my sex-life, well… sure, the idealised nymphomaniacs I witnessed made real life sex look mundane, but the fact is, after a hard day’s masturbation I didn’t always have the energy or the inclination to please my wife. So a fantasy world that initially only seemed better eventually became better as the whole thing spiralled.
And the risk of my wife finding out was always there. Of course, she knows I’m a normal, red-blooded male, and find some women attractive. She doesn’t know the extent to which this has been distorted by my addiction.
But what about the pleasure porn must have given me? Surely that made up for it, otherwise why keep doing it? Actually, the pleasure bit was pretty brief, to say the least. At times, seeking stuff out was more a compulsion than a pleasure. I often found myself asking, ‘What is the point?’ but carrying on regardless. The need to feed the addiction removed most of the pleasure a long time ago.
The old me, the porn-seeking me, has stolen my life. My free time was taken over by the addiction, work I once enjoyed became a chore that got in the way of porn, sex with a real person became uninteresting, and for what? A momentary jolly in front of a computer screen.
That is why he’s got to go. That is why I’m killing my old man.
This change is about improving my life, because I want to. Of course my faith will be part of it; it’s an integral part of who I am. But when I’m looking for porn, I’m somebody I don’t like. That’s why I’m changing.
So, why don’t I like porn-seeking me?
Quite simply, nothing else seemed to matter to me. I was late to work on a number of occasions because I would get up, switch the computer on, and get a fix before leaving the house. More recently, home-working became an option… do I need to go on?
During my last binge, even stopping to eat was a secondary consideration.
As for my sex-life, well… sure, the idealised nymphomaniacs I witnessed made real life sex look mundane, but the fact is, after a hard day’s masturbation I didn’t always have the energy or the inclination to please my wife. So a fantasy world that initially only seemed better eventually became better as the whole thing spiralled.
And the risk of my wife finding out was always there. Of course, she knows I’m a normal, red-blooded male, and find some women attractive. She doesn’t know the extent to which this has been distorted by my addiction.
But what about the pleasure porn must have given me? Surely that made up for it, otherwise why keep doing it? Actually, the pleasure bit was pretty brief, to say the least. At times, seeking stuff out was more a compulsion than a pleasure. I often found myself asking, ‘What is the point?’ but carrying on regardless. The need to feed the addiction removed most of the pleasure a long time ago.
The old me, the porn-seeking me, has stolen my life. My free time was taken over by the addiction, work I once enjoyed became a chore that got in the way of porn, sex with a real person became uninteresting, and for what? A momentary jolly in front of a computer screen.
That is why he’s got to go. That is why I’m killing my old man.
posted by M386 at 9:54 am
1 Comments:
Interesting.
You see 'him' as another person but you must see that this other person is a part of you.
The real answer to banishing this obsessional side of you is to truly find out why.
Why are you so obsessed?
All men are, to a certain point, so I would suggest that you ask a friend, or better still several friends. This way you can judge just how 'bad' you are compared to others. Once that perspective is gained, and assuming you still wish to stop, you have to find out why.
Merely saying that you don't want to do it anymore is fine, but inside you DO want to.
Why? There has to be a reason.
Finding that is the only true way to deal with it, once and for all.
Post a Comment
<< Home