Missed opportunities

Looking back over some past entries earlier, I came across this snippet, which I wrote a couple of weeks into my recovery:

I can’t get back the time I’ve wasted. I may well have missed out on some real blessings as I’ve drifted away.

It has occurred to me over the last day or two, the full extent of what I missed out on during porn's reign in my life.

Regular readers may recall that I believe God has a purpose for my life, and that I have been trying to figure out just what that might be.

Well, I think I've figured it out.

And, I think, at some point between worshipping at the altar of porn and trying desparately to tear myself away from it, God got fed up waiting and passed the baton on to a friend of mine.

Frankly, I can't blame Him. He needed a job doing, and despite having planted the seed of the job in my heart some time ago, I was to busy getting deeper into porn to listen, identify the seed for what it was, and attempt to nurture it. When the time came, I wasn't there for Him. As a result, I have to sit back and watch my pal do what should, I believe, have been my job. Now, either he'll do a really good job and I'll feel utterly inadequate in comparison, or he'll do a rubbish job and I'll go 'Why Lord, why? Why did you let him go and ruin it when I could have done so much better?'.

Of course, it's far more likely that God has equipped my friend to do a fantastic job, and I'll be happy for him if he can put something together that he's happy with and that glorifies God.

Like I said, I don't blame God, or my friend. It's my own stupid fault. I guess I'll have to live with this as a consequence of my sin, and use the experience to learn not to do it again.