Crisis of faith

Even before that first slip, I was coming from a bad place.

My struggle with porn hadn't been going well. That, combined with other stress factors in my life, left my prayer life almost non-existent.

I wanted to get on with my life, pursue the work I believed God had destined for me, but I didn't know where to start. God was distant, and I couldn't work out how to get close to Him again.

When I slipped back into old habits, it got even harder. You can't serve God and Porn.

And Porn was easier to get hold of.

As I got dragged deeper into the world of internet porn, images from it taunted me when I closed my eyes. I was doing porn at every possible opportunity. In the end I had surrounded myself with porn for so much of the time that it was all I could think of.

It truly had become the most important thing in my life. Almost the only thing in my life.

But even as this went on, part of me was still wondering: What could I achieve if I put as much effort into seeking God as I do into seeking Porn? Why hadn't God had the same effect when He was the most important thing in my life?

Maybe I would never get that back. Maybe I had gone so far from God that there was no way back, and Porn would take his place forever. I even started to wonder whether that would be so bad. If I stopped beating myself up over it, surely I would waste less time, and could get on with my life as well?