Microcosm
During the weeks I've been away from here, I've been away from the support board too. That hasn't helped my recovery - my big plans for July quickly evaporated - but it has given me the opportunity to watch the addicition in my own life, without allowing the experiences and opinions of others to affect the way I view it.
Of course, I write this with hindsight; looking back, I can see a microcosm of how porn addiction slowly took over my life, from teenage meddling up until the beginning of this blog.
The first slip was just that. I had filters in place so nothing xxx-rated could slip through, but a fairly innocent picture of some nice girl or other in a bikini (or something of the sort) did.
And once I'd slipped once, I got caught in a spiral of despair.
After a slip, the clean days (9 was the most I strung together during my absence - and for some time before that) seemed wasted. I started afresh, but needed to get back to where I had been before I felt I could continue God's work.
That prospect filled me with dread; dread which, of course, pretty ladies would take my mind off.
For a while.
Soon pretty ladies wasn't enough. They needed to be pretty ladies dressed a certain way.
Then that wasn't enough. I found pretty ladies who weren't dressed at all, that my web filter overlooked.
Then I figured, why bother with a web filter, if you just go straight to the sites it overlooks?
And turned it off.
I used porn to relieve sexual tension, got it out of my system, and went back to work.
For a while.
Pretty soon, it got really ugly, and that thought process, the Spiral of Despair, continued to repeat. I started using porn just for its own sake, and wouldn't stop after a quick fix.
And the longer I looked, the less effect what I looked for was having.
So I looked elsewhere. I looked for something new. Something with an edge.
And so my quick fix became a binge. My bikini models became increasingly extreme hardcore porn movies.
Immediately before my latest Day One, the sickness peaked again, almost without me noticing. For the best part of three days, all my spare time was consumed with seeking and downloading porn.
Of course, I write this with hindsight; looking back, I can see a microcosm of how porn addiction slowly took over my life, from teenage meddling up until the beginning of this blog.
The first slip was just that. I had filters in place so nothing xxx-rated could slip through, but a fairly innocent picture of some nice girl or other in a bikini (or something of the sort) did.
And once I'd slipped once, I got caught in a spiral of despair.
After a slip, the clean days (9 was the most I strung together during my absence - and for some time before that) seemed wasted. I started afresh, but needed to get back to where I had been before I felt I could continue God's work.
That prospect filled me with dread; dread which, of course, pretty ladies would take my mind off.
For a while.
Soon pretty ladies wasn't enough. They needed to be pretty ladies dressed a certain way.
Then that wasn't enough. I found pretty ladies who weren't dressed at all, that my web filter overlooked.
Then I figured, why bother with a web filter, if you just go straight to the sites it overlooks?
And turned it off.
I used porn to relieve sexual tension, got it out of my system, and went back to work.
For a while.
Pretty soon, it got really ugly, and that thought process, the Spiral of Despair, continued to repeat. I started using porn just for its own sake, and wouldn't stop after a quick fix.
And the longer I looked, the less effect what I looked for was having.
So I looked elsewhere. I looked for something new. Something with an edge.
And so my quick fix became a binge. My bikini models became increasingly extreme hardcore porn movies.
Immediately before my latest Day One, the sickness peaked again, almost without me noticing. For the best part of three days, all my spare time was consumed with seeking and downloading porn.
posted by M386 at 3:00 pm
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