Failed experiments

Over the last couple of months I have been dabbling with some alternative recovery plans.

While I was without a permanent internet connection, ignoring the problem, including not blogging and not visiting the support board, seemed to work. For a time. I found alternative ways of acting out, and without this blog to let off steam, or the support board to go to for help, the addiction began to grow.

But I din't binge; I looked, I got bored, I went away again.

I thought that meant it was getting under control; that although looking at porn was something I did, it was just a bad habit, not a harmful compulsion.

And so I started treating it as such; I recognised that it had its place in my life, but that there were more important, not to mention wholesome, things I should be doing.

I would just prioritise porn out of my life.

That also worked, for a time.

But porn wasn't prohibited; it was just, for later. A tiny crack in the defences, but a crack nonetheless.

And, when I had done everything I needed to do, Porn was there, prising open the crack, ready to break down the defences and overwhelm me again.

So, what am I going to do? How do I break the binge-feel crappy-purge cycle?

Well, I'm going to take a couple of weeks to regroup. It would be nice to stay clean for the rest of June, but if it ends up weaning myself off slowly, so be it.

I'll try to prioritise porn out of my life, and I'll work on a new plan. And then, July will be the month I stay clean.