Insomnia

Insomnia is the one* physical effect all this porn & mb has had on me.

I've rarely stayed up late surfing for porn.

My wive often leaves for work at around 7am, and in the depth of a binge I have booted up as soon as she left the house; but I probably would have gotten up anyway, once she had woken me (or am I just making excuses? - discuss).

Yet getting a whole night's sleep has been a problem for some time.

In the darkest times, I think the amount of working time wasted on porn sites would nag at me after the event, keeping me from sleeping properly. Or I would go to bed with pornographic images fresh in my mind, playing the scenes out in my head over and over... Or I would just go to bed struggling with my inner addict, wanting to pray him away, but feeling unworthy to ask anything of God; and deep down, not wanting to throw out my secret stash.

Now though, it's something different. I don't have a struggle at the moment; the inner addict is, consciously at least, in retreat. I'm wasting less time. There are no fresh images. I know I'm worthy, and can pray for anything. I don't want or need a porn stash.

But subconsciously, the addict is at work. Last night, I dreamt I mb'd in the shower. No big deal; and not something that's currently out of the question for me. But I suspect the addict may be trying to lure me back to porn, so I will stay hands off for now.

And, of course, it's a withdrawal symptom. I am an addict, and I have been feeding my addiciton over the last month or so; withdrawal is to be expected. Insomnia is, also, the only physical effect of withdrawal I have experienced in the past; I suppose I should hope to be as lucky in the future.

This concerns me now, though, as I have a long day tomorrow: a full day's work with a 3 hour commute each way. Sleeping tonight is, therefore, top priority.


*in the process of researching haemorrhoids though :(