Harmless entertainment?
The defenders of pornography will say that’s all it is, that the women involved do so of their own free will, and will deny any claims that it objectifies them or changes men’s perception of women.
They’re wrong.
I’ve been visiting internet porn sites on and off for the best part of two years, and it has undoubtedly changed the way my mind works. I am still strong-willed enough to have stopped looking; a long way from thinking all women are like that and becoming a degenerate perv. Probably being married has kept my feet on the floor, a constant reminder that most women are a long way removed from the girls on those websites.
Even so, now I am aware of more subtle changes in my thinking. I thought about doing the things I was seeing, wondered how I could make them happen. Sexual fantasies may well be harmless in context, but porn made them real, showed that there were people out there willing to do the same things… The value I place on my marriage was the only thing to stop me crossing the line and trying to find such people at some points. The fact is, the experience has shown me how some, less strong-willed individuals may be led astray by the portrayal of women in pornography.
On some level I’m still disappointed that my wife isn’t like that. In my mind everyone else is having wild sex at the drop of a hat, while I’m having pretty ordinary sex (relatively speaking) a few times a week. It’s a thin line between encouraging her to be more adventurous, and turning her into an object.
I am strong enough to realise that these thoughts are wrong and put them aside, but I cannot unsee the things I have seen, the images that have made me think this way. This way of seeing women has burrowed into my mind over the months. It’s become acceptable, at least to part of me. After the bikini incident I did want to see more, and the pull is still very strong. Images of all kinds of acts are in my memory, and while I may avoid seeking them out afresh, the memories are there, when I close my eyes or my mind wanders. It’s as if they haunt me.
I can only pray to God that this won’t last.
They’re wrong.
I’ve been visiting internet porn sites on and off for the best part of two years, and it has undoubtedly changed the way my mind works. I am still strong-willed enough to have stopped looking; a long way from thinking all women are like that and becoming a degenerate perv. Probably being married has kept my feet on the floor, a constant reminder that most women are a long way removed from the girls on those websites.
Even so, now I am aware of more subtle changes in my thinking. I thought about doing the things I was seeing, wondered how I could make them happen. Sexual fantasies may well be harmless in context, but porn made them real, showed that there were people out there willing to do the same things… The value I place on my marriage was the only thing to stop me crossing the line and trying to find such people at some points. The fact is, the experience has shown me how some, less strong-willed individuals may be led astray by the portrayal of women in pornography.
On some level I’m still disappointed that my wife isn’t like that. In my mind everyone else is having wild sex at the drop of a hat, while I’m having pretty ordinary sex (relatively speaking) a few times a week. It’s a thin line between encouraging her to be more adventurous, and turning her into an object.
I am strong enough to realise that these thoughts are wrong and put them aside, but I cannot unsee the things I have seen, the images that have made me think this way. This way of seeing women has burrowed into my mind over the months. It’s become acceptable, at least to part of me. After the bikini incident I did want to see more, and the pull is still very strong. Images of all kinds of acts are in my memory, and while I may avoid seeking them out afresh, the memories are there, when I close my eyes or my mind wanders. It’s as if they haunt me.
I can only pray to God that this won’t last.
posted by M386 at 9:31 am
6 Comments:
Dude, I need addiction therapy to get over your blog. I said I was going to let you get on with it now, the whole praying thing freaks me out, but i digress.
You've left yourself open to a point I made earlier, and I can't help but want to offer advice.
Firstly, have you asked your wife to do some of the things you want in your sex life?
Secondly, you do clearly want to experience these things, that is why porn is so alluring to you, and that is part of who you are. Denial is extremely dangerous.
Thirdly, as far as praying that your desire will not last, I'd try another prayer. I'd pray that you lose your genitals in an accident, because that is the only thing that will end your carnal desire.
Life is a lot more tolerable when you allow as little to affect you as possible, particularly in a negative way. Beating yourself up for your libido is a great shame, and as long as you do this I fear that you will always be going against the grain.
My favourite American, Bill Hicks, said to his friend on his deathbed.
"Everything that happens is right."
Ok, first: this is not really about my sex life. My sex life has been affected by my preferring porn to real human sex, and I’m rebuilding it slowly. If I were to just jump in and say to my wife, ‘Would you mind doing it in the garden for a change? No, the front garden. The neighbours? They’re fine, they’ll join us in few minutes. Yeah, the bi-sexual girls next door. And Bob across the street’s videoing it for us.’ I think I know what she’d say. And, assuming that genital-related accident isn’t brought about as a result, I’ll be straight back on the porn.
Secondly, who’s in denial? I like porn. I want to do what porn stars do. Admitting these things is kind of the point of the blog. It will always be part of who I am. But if I encourage it, it will become all of who I am.
Thirdly, I don’t want to live without desire entirely. Yesterday I was just praying for the after images to stop haunting me. I never underestimate the power of prayer. I’ll say one for you, friend. ;-)
Whoa!!!!!!
Human Sex? Just what kind of porn are you into????
Just kidding.
You seem sure that whatever it is you want to do, your wife won't. Or, that getting her into it will not stop the porn thing. I'm not so sure, because whenever I have been in relationships that make me happy I have drifted away from porn, and in fact found it hard to fantasise about women other than my partner. The mind is a strange thing, right enough. Does she know about the porn? Would she freak out if she did? Some kinds of porn and accessories are known as 'marital aids', you could try to make it a couple thing. But I understand that it may be a selfish pleasure that you don't particularly want to share with her. I can get like that, but then my wife only likes porn in the form of text. She doesn't get the pictures, how womanly that is?
P.S. Thanks for the prayer.
At risk of continuing a lengthy debate on the subject, there's nothing wrong with my sex life. The problem is that my perception of what a sex life should be like is completely twisted by excessive porn use. I know there are some things I'd like to do but my wife wouldn't. The question is what I can ask of her without (a) her thinking I'm a complete sicko, or (b) putting her off completely. And if (b) happens, I may use porn to get over it, in which case I'll just sink back to the place I'm trying to escape.
Actually, a & b are probably much the same, aren't they?!
Well, b would certainly follow a, without doubt.
But would she though?
Ignoring the whole xtian thing for a minute, if a friend of mine was in the same predicament I would simply suggest that he strive to achieve a healthy dialogue with said wife about sex in general.
I think that there is something missing, and your wifes input may be it. Maybe she just has no idea of what is possible, or maybe she is disgusted by anything other than position a or b. Unless you really work to find out for certain what her stand point is, I suspect this may be a constant issue.
If she really loves you she must be willing to at least discuss trying something new. And that alone may prevent you ever having to surf for porn again.
Try it, for me.
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