Lessons from a fall
When I started looking at internet porn, it was just out of curiosity. After all, the web was infamous for it. And, the web being what it is, I found a free porn site, one link led to another, until following these I found a girl I particularly liked the look of.
Then the obsession kicked in. I’d find out what sites she modelled for, and pick up any free pictures I could find. I’d find the free teaser pages for those sites, and trawl them for her. When I found the likely source of pictures for the object of my lust, I checked for them repeatedly. I became some kind of cyber-stalker.
In the process of all this, of course, I’d stumble across something else that I liked, and trawl for two, three, four… however many of my little fetishes took my fancy at the time.
The alarming thing is, during my fall at the end of last year, I spent many happy hours downloading the same pictures I had deleted a month or two earlier. Looking back at this now, it appears that my obsession was with searching these pictures out, more than with using them to get my rocks off.
So – and I know this is a completely unorthodox solution which anyone dealing with addicts will want to condemn – I didn’t delete them. I have put them away where I can’t easily access them at any time, and I have reinstated all the measures I can to prevent access to any fresh images. I am resolved that I will fill my spare time (especially spare net time) with the things of God. And I will take one day at a time.
Obviously I don’t know whether this will work, but analysing my behaviour as a porn addict, I think it stands a chance.
Then the obsession kicked in. I’d find out what sites she modelled for, and pick up any free pictures I could find. I’d find the free teaser pages for those sites, and trawl them for her. When I found the likely source of pictures for the object of my lust, I checked for them repeatedly. I became some kind of cyber-stalker.
In the process of all this, of course, I’d stumble across something else that I liked, and trawl for two, three, four… however many of my little fetishes took my fancy at the time.
The alarming thing is, during my fall at the end of last year, I spent many happy hours downloading the same pictures I had deleted a month or two earlier. Looking back at this now, it appears that my obsession was with searching these pictures out, more than with using them to get my rocks off.
So – and I know this is a completely unorthodox solution which anyone dealing with addicts will want to condemn – I didn’t delete them. I have put them away where I can’t easily access them at any time, and I have reinstated all the measures I can to prevent access to any fresh images. I am resolved that I will fill my spare time (especially spare net time) with the things of God. And I will take one day at a time.
Obviously I don’t know whether this will work, but analysing my behaviour as a porn addict, I think it stands a chance.
posted by M386 at 11:35 am
1 Comments:
I don't want to tell you anything you don't already know, but this does seem like a risky game to start playing. I've browsed through some of your earlier posts and I think you said somewhere that you can't unsee these images; obviously true, but is keeping them the answer?
I can see your reasoning, but are you sure it's genuine, that these are valid reasons and not just an attempt to justify keeping a porn stash?
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