Yesterday...

I came within a whisker of destroying all the good I have done.

I knew it was going to be a bad day. It might have been the psychological barrier. It might have been another frustrated attempt to connect with my wife the previous evening. It might have been the fact that I had to work at home all day and got bored and lonely. It was probably a combination of all these and other factors.

But even knowing I wasn't strong, I allowed myself to stretch the limits. I've done this kind of stuff before; 'testing' the filters, looking for bikini pictures...

I felt really bad that I went as far as I did yesterday. I was disappointed with myself, upset that it happened while things seemed to be going so well. I was genuinely troubled by my stupidity.

However, I later realised it wasn't as bad as it could have been. Yes, I was stupid. Yes, I found myself at a website I should not have been anywhere near. But I could have dived right back in. I could have decided, 'Right, well, I'm here now, may as well make the most of it...'

But I didn't. I turned the computer off and left the house. I didn't dive in; I feel bad that I skirted around the edges for as long as I did, but I didn't go in.

I hope I don't sound like I'm making excuses. Justifying a quick glimpse.

Even quick glimpses, to a pathetic addict like me, can be habit forming.

Because I didn't go off on a binge, as I feared I might have done at one point, I'm going to move on, counting today as Day Thirty-five. Some may think I'm being too generous, that I slipped, and that I should start again. Well, tough, I make the rules here.

To say I lost it all yesterday would be to invite my addict out on a binge. I didn't MB yesterday, which would be a terrible waste of a slip.

But if I do it again today, knowing what I do... now that would most definitely be a 'Day Zero' offence.