Circles
I do seem to have been going around in circles.
I tell myself I won't do porn, MB, FHM... and then I do one or more of them, beat myself up for a day or two, feel bad and MB to medicate the feeling bad...
I have not descended to the depths I have in the past, but as I progress, I expect - demand - higher standards of myself (no MB being the main one), and increasingly fail to meet them. And so the circle begins.
To bring my faith back into the equation, I know I can depend on God's grace. I know that all I have to do is pray for forgiveness, and it's given. So what's my problem? Why do I still feel bad with every little slip, even ones that don't end in a porn binge?
Well, one argument is that I feel so crappy after a porn binge that it kick-starts my resolve. Which is true, but unhelpful. Binge-lusting is unhealthy, however infrequent.
As I continue my reading of In the Grip of Grace, I have realised one thing about all this. Although, deep down, I know all about God's grace and forgiveness, I have somehow neglected to apply it to the process of recovery. Getting free of porn is something I have intellectualised, and tried to do on my own.
I'm depending on my own achievements - days, weeks, months without looking for it - and not on grace. And that is precisely what Mr Lucado is trying to tell me does not work.
So how do I change the way I look at recovery?
First, do something about the cause. At the moment, that's the stress of having a month-old baby and her depressed mother about the house.
I can't do much about them - it's their home, after all - but I can do something about the stress.
Something more constructive than running away from it, and burying my head in the sand of porn until it goes away. I can give it to my Lord. And porn ain't my lord.
Second, do something about relying on my own achievements. I don't exactly know what, but I'm going to start by not counting the days I've gone without porn or MB.
Today will be the first; there will be no counting from here on.
Just one day at a time, by the grace of God.
I tell myself I won't do porn, MB, FHM... and then I do one or more of them, beat myself up for a day or two, feel bad and MB to medicate the feeling bad...
I have not descended to the depths I have in the past, but as I progress, I expect - demand - higher standards of myself (no MB being the main one), and increasingly fail to meet them. And so the circle begins.
To bring my faith back into the equation, I know I can depend on God's grace. I know that all I have to do is pray for forgiveness, and it's given. So what's my problem? Why do I still feel bad with every little slip, even ones that don't end in a porn binge?
Well, one argument is that I feel so crappy after a porn binge that it kick-starts my resolve. Which is true, but unhelpful. Binge-lusting is unhealthy, however infrequent.
As I continue my reading of In the Grip of Grace, I have realised one thing about all this. Although, deep down, I know all about God's grace and forgiveness, I have somehow neglected to apply it to the process of recovery. Getting free of porn is something I have intellectualised, and tried to do on my own.
I'm depending on my own achievements - days, weeks, months without looking for it - and not on grace. And that is precisely what Mr Lucado is trying to tell me does not work.
So how do I change the way I look at recovery?
First, do something about the cause. At the moment, that's the stress of having a month-old baby and her depressed mother about the house.
I can't do much about them - it's their home, after all - but I can do something about the stress.
Something more constructive than running away from it, and burying my head in the sand of porn until it goes away. I can give it to my Lord. And porn ain't my lord.
Second, do something about relying on my own achievements. I don't exactly know what, but I'm going to start by not counting the days I've gone without porn or MB.
Today will be the first; there will be no counting from here on.
Just one day at a time, by the grace of God.
posted by M386 at 2:06 pm
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