Crossroads
Well, after a pretty good start, this week has rapidly become the worst I've had in a while.
My wife took a turn for the worse, which affected me badly.
On the outside, I'm putting on a brave front. I'm trying to retain some sense of normality for the sake of our baby. I must be doing OK - at least, my wife thinks I'm coping well with her downs and deeper downs.
In truth, I'm a mess. I've got my own crap to deal with, and this whole situation is exacerbating all the negatives that have driven me to porn in the past. A complete lack of intimacy, appreciation or, at times, even acknowledgement form my wife. I've almost forgotten what it's like to have a wife - at least, what the good bits are like. I know only too well what the needy, whiney, making a mess of my home and leaving me to clear up after her bits are like.
Inside, I'm lonely and I'm pissed off.
And, though it pains me to admit this, the only way I have coped so far is by burying myself in my little fantasy world of porn.
It's like I'm not allowed to have my own problems at the moment. I have to be strong for my family. And doing that makes me weak for myself. Porn gets the better of me.
So here I stand, at a junction in my life. I can carry on down this road, spend another day indulging my demons and forget about the shit that's going on around me.
Or I can turn back to God, where I should be, find a friend, some constructive release, and someone who can actually help my wife and myself through this.
Smart money's on porn at the moment. It's so much more accessible than God.
My wife took a turn for the worse, which affected me badly.
On the outside, I'm putting on a brave front. I'm trying to retain some sense of normality for the sake of our baby. I must be doing OK - at least, my wife thinks I'm coping well with her downs and deeper downs.
In truth, I'm a mess. I've got my own crap to deal with, and this whole situation is exacerbating all the negatives that have driven me to porn in the past. A complete lack of intimacy, appreciation or, at times, even acknowledgement form my wife. I've almost forgotten what it's like to have a wife - at least, what the good bits are like. I know only too well what the needy, whiney, making a mess of my home and leaving me to clear up after her bits are like.
Inside, I'm lonely and I'm pissed off.
And, though it pains me to admit this, the only way I have coped so far is by burying myself in my little fantasy world of porn.
It's like I'm not allowed to have my own problems at the moment. I have to be strong for my family. And doing that makes me weak for myself. Porn gets the better of me.
So here I stand, at a junction in my life. I can carry on down this road, spend another day indulging my demons and forget about the shit that's going on around me.
Or I can turn back to God, where I should be, find a friend, some constructive release, and someone who can actually help my wife and myself through this.
Smart money's on porn at the moment. It's so much more accessible than God.
2 Comments:
I am praying for you M...I know how hard this time is for you. Your words are very clear on how badly you want things to be different. I pray that they will be exactly that.
Lord, give M wisdom and strength for today. Give him clarity to see the world around him as you see it. Help him to look up and see you standing over him with your hand protecting him and keeping him safe. Give him the strength to forgive as you have forgiven him. Give him the comfort that he needs so that he can then take the comfort you have given him and give it away to his family (2 Cor. 1). Most of all, draw him into your presence. Give him peace and joy, even in the midst of these trying times. Let that be a constant for him and carry him through to the other side of trials.
In Jesus' Name,
Amen
M.
You know I pray for you.
Thank you for this blog post. Don't change a word. It is raw and pure. When you are delivered of this thorn, and I believe you will be, these posts and your others like it will be a beautiful account of His will.
Please continue to update. Please continue to pray (knees optional).
We love you man.
dewde
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