Why now?
I’ve said before that my subscribing to a porn site was the catalyst for this change, and lately I’ve given more thought to why this should be.
I’m certainly far enough from the breadline that the money itself isn’t the issue.
Maybe it was the fact that I couldn’t claim it as an accident, or maybe it was the scale of the binge, rather than the money.
Perhaps God had got so fed up of me repeatedly going back to it that He would have caused me to crash anyway.
Arguably these are all factors, but I’ve realised something else.
Since getting into internet porn, there are things I have done, things I haven’t done, and things I have thought about doing.
To start with most of what I did was surf free sites, download some pictures and the occasional movie. Mostly it was professional glamour models – I could be fairly certain they were consenting adults, earning what they considered a decent wage for the job. In the main it was pretty soft stuff I liked too.
What I didn’t do was go anywhere that looked remotely illegal, especially if it hinted at children being involved. Sites bragging about taking advantage of ordinary women are also way out of line and I’d leave them if I happened across them.
The free sites were, of course, just teasers, giving me the appetite to subscribe to everything they had to offer. I didn’t want to do that, I liked being anonymous and not spending so much, so I surfed off elsewhere.
In doing so, I discovered harder pictures: threesomes, foursomes, wild orgies caught my imagination. They were a fantasy at first, but as I was drawn deeper into this world I found myself wishing I had the chance to do these things.
And so I discovered swinging, and contact websites full of women seemingly like those I saw on porn sites, looking for no-strings sex. I checked out adverts for women in distant towns I would be visiting on business. I began to word my own advert in my head, although I never posted it, or replied to anyone else’s.
The ‘cyber-sex’ option came to mind – it wasn’t real sex, after all, just a kind of game, and I could pretend to be someone entirely different – but I didn’t follow that up either.
When I subscribed to a porn site (and not one of the softer ones I’d have been satisfied with a couple of years ago) a line had been crossed.
Had I been a single man, I would have been more seriously tempted than I was to try cyber-sex or reply to those contact ads.
Many years ago, before discovering internet porn, I refused to go to a strip club with some colleagues on principle. Had the opportunity arisen this year, I would have leapt at the excuse. Using porn had changed my view on this point - after all, how different was it?
By subscribing to porn websites I had crossed another line, and in doing so the rest of the lines blurred. The porn addict in me was taking more control, and I wasn’t sure how much further I would stretch the boundaries if it didn’t stop there.
I’m certainly far enough from the breadline that the money itself isn’t the issue.
Maybe it was the fact that I couldn’t claim it as an accident, or maybe it was the scale of the binge, rather than the money.
Perhaps God had got so fed up of me repeatedly going back to it that He would have caused me to crash anyway.
Arguably these are all factors, but I’ve realised something else.
Since getting into internet porn, there are things I have done, things I haven’t done, and things I have thought about doing.
To start with most of what I did was surf free sites, download some pictures and the occasional movie. Mostly it was professional glamour models – I could be fairly certain they were consenting adults, earning what they considered a decent wage for the job. In the main it was pretty soft stuff I liked too.
What I didn’t do was go anywhere that looked remotely illegal, especially if it hinted at children being involved. Sites bragging about taking advantage of ordinary women are also way out of line and I’d leave them if I happened across them.
The free sites were, of course, just teasers, giving me the appetite to subscribe to everything they had to offer. I didn’t want to do that, I liked being anonymous and not spending so much, so I surfed off elsewhere.
In doing so, I discovered harder pictures: threesomes, foursomes, wild orgies caught my imagination. They were a fantasy at first, but as I was drawn deeper into this world I found myself wishing I had the chance to do these things.
And so I discovered swinging, and contact websites full of women seemingly like those I saw on porn sites, looking for no-strings sex. I checked out adverts for women in distant towns I would be visiting on business. I began to word my own advert in my head, although I never posted it, or replied to anyone else’s.
The ‘cyber-sex’ option came to mind – it wasn’t real sex, after all, just a kind of game, and I could pretend to be someone entirely different – but I didn’t follow that up either.
When I subscribed to a porn site (and not one of the softer ones I’d have been satisfied with a couple of years ago) a line had been crossed.
Had I been a single man, I would have been more seriously tempted than I was to try cyber-sex or reply to those contact ads.
Many years ago, before discovering internet porn, I refused to go to a strip club with some colleagues on principle. Had the opportunity arisen this year, I would have leapt at the excuse. Using porn had changed my view on this point - after all, how different was it?
By subscribing to porn websites I had crossed another line, and in doing so the rest of the lines blurred. The porn addict in me was taking more control, and I wasn’t sure how much further I would stretch the boundaries if it didn’t stop there.
posted by M386 at 2:40 pm
3 Comments:
That's interesting.
It helps me to hear more detail about what you are so upset about. But, and you won't like this this, it's just more proof of my opinion of this situation.
You have profound issues with your marriage, of that I am now certain. Unless you and your wife find a way to have more fun together, or at least more openness, this will never go away.
You are interested by swinging. That tells me one thing for certain, your wife is an unnacceptable partner for you. If she can't be included in your fantasies, or won't be, then this situation will remain until she or you ends the relationship.
Porn is not your problem, your relationship is.
FACT.
Don't know where to put this... so hope you don't mind me posting it as a comment here :D
Just to give you some encouragement :)
YOU CAN DO IT :D
haha... I was once a porn addict too... but somehow after a while ( 2-3 yrs) , I found porn disguting, so since then I've stopped watching :)
All the best in your fight against porn addiction :D
Thanks tan, needed that today!
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