Time for honesty

It may seem from the last few entries that things are going well, that I'm rediscovering God and moving further away from my lust-filled past.

That's not the full story.

I have learnt a lot as I have attempted to rediscover God's grace.

I have written some prayers on here, and meant them as I did so.

I have avoided porn, at least for the last week.

However, I have found it hard to avoid MB. For a large part of the time, reality sucks at the moment, and I need to escape. So, I... punish the proverbial monkey.

Which, it must be said, also sucks. It also leads my mind off to unhealthy places, thoughts of fantasy and porn... and as a result, right now it's a battle not to go look for smut.

Right now I'm fighting a battle, and I will have to come back to my prayers once I have won. That's not to say that God is off to one side while I fight; that would be stupid. On the contrary, God is an integral part of my current battle, but in a slightly different way. I am just recognising that I am in a weakened state at the moment, and will have to recommit myself when I'm stronger.

The battle I'm fighting at the moment, the thing I need to escape from, is depression. Not mine, but my wife's. Thing is, when she's down, I get down. And because I can't do anything to help her depression, I feel useless, almost unwanted. And need to escape.

My weapons are three-fold:

1. I have found myself a project with which to occupy any spare moments I may otherwise devote to monkey abuse. More details of this may arise here later, but it is way off the topic of this blog, and may never amount to anything anyway.
2. I have prised a lap-top out of the hands of my employers; I can now work away from the scene of my past crimes, and with the knowledge that my surfing habits (a) have already been restricted from outisde, and (b) can be traced, if necessary.
3. God is still there, for me to lean on, ready to help with my problems and my wife's. I must not forget to lean.

Let battle commence.