Lazy

I have spent a lot of the last 3 weeks walking in the borderlands of my favourite sin. So-called 'soft' porn (can anyone smell an oxymoron?), masturbation, and just entertaining the thoughts that lead to these things. I thought as long I stopped there, as long as I didn't go looking for the less 'acceptable' side of porn, I would be OK.

I thought walking the edge like this would give me time to build up the strength to get away.

Instead I got complacent and fell right back in.

Now I've realised that all this, as well as being pointless, was plain laziness on my part. I just want this to be over, to have my life back and be happy. But the truth is, these behaviours are so ingrained that I can't just turn away from them without some effort. A lot of the time I either forget that, or I just can't be bothered putting the effort in.

Having realised that, I can try to put it right. The weekend has passed and left me with 2 100% clean days behind me. Now is as good a time as any to start putting the effort in.

And not just for a week or two, but every day, for the rest of ever. And (pardon my French) that scares the ever living crap out of me.