Clarity
After every relapse, there comes a moment of clarity.
Everything suddenly hits you at once: you're sat at your computer, trousers round your ankles, some hideously unreal slapper groaning away in a grainy little movie you've spent the last eight hours seeking out and downloading, you reach the last Kleenex in the box and, as you run for the bathroom, you trip over the pile of paperwork you should have been dealing with all afternoon.
The reality of your seedy little habit looms large, blotting out everything good in life. In that moment of clarity, you can see it for what it is.
And after clarity, remorse.
I sit here, post-relapse, and carefully delete all traces of the afternoon's 'work'. Then I post my thoughts here, and try to dissect the relapse.
How do I retain that clarity, so that it hits me before I go off the rails?
Everything suddenly hits you at once: you're sat at your computer, trousers round your ankles, some hideously unreal slapper groaning away in a grainy little movie you've spent the last eight hours seeking out and downloading, you reach the last Kleenex in the box and, as you run for the bathroom, you trip over the pile of paperwork you should have been dealing with all afternoon.
The reality of your seedy little habit looms large, blotting out everything good in life. In that moment of clarity, you can see it for what it is.
And after clarity, remorse.
I sit here, post-relapse, and carefully delete all traces of the afternoon's 'work'. Then I post my thoughts here, and try to dissect the relapse.
How do I retain that clarity, so that it hits me before I go off the rails?
posted by M386 at 9:26 pm
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