A Prayer for Forgiveness

Lord, have mercy on me, in your unfailing love.

I have sinned against you in many ways; I have given in to my lustful nature, I have been deceitful to hide this from my family and friends, and I have placed pornography before You.
I have turned away from You, refused the help you offer, and dug myself deeper into my sins.

Now I come humbly, and ask for your forgiveness.
Lord, I have sinned against you, and you would be right to judge me.
Yet I call upon your great compassion for forgiveness, healing and cleansing.
I cannot heal myself, or cleanse myself from my past.

Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.
Show yourself to me, and re-ignite your Holy Spirit within me.
Show me the gifts you have blessed me with, and open doors for me to use them.

You are my King and I am Your servant.
I commit this day to you, and ask that you will accomplish Your will in my life today.
Show me how, and I will serve you from now on.
Teach me Your ways, and I will walk in them for the rest of my life.
Lord, open my ears to hear your will.
Open my heart to understand.
Open my lips, and I will praise You.

Thank You, Father.

In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

(loosely based on Psalm 51)

One day at a time

For the first few days after a slip, however small, it's difficult to get the momentum going.

At the moment, I'm finding it difficult to get from day to day; the thought of staying porn/MB-free for a month or even a week, is a daunting one.

But sobriety can be tackled a day at a time, for the immediate future, at least. For the big picture, my focus has shifted. Get right with God, and sobriety will follow.

I believe that in Christ I can be and will be free of my struggle

In the Grip of Grace

I know God's grace. I had the full laser-and-light-show experience a while ago.

I can approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that I may receive mercy and find grace to help me in my time of need. (Hebrews 4:16)

So as I start my new regime, I do so by recognising, and depending on, that grace.

Which is all very good in theory, but how do actually live that out? How do I turn the theory into something tangible? How do I make ure I continue living that way?

Well, there are obvious ways:

• Read the Bible
• Pray
• Go to church

But I run the risk of becoming some kind of Christian robot, getting so caught up in the mechanics of the Christian life that God still gets crowded out. Undoubtedly better than porn, but not where I want to go, long-term.

Instead, I've found a book in my collection which speaks straight into this situation. Here's the back cover blurb:

Can anything separate us from the love Christ has for
us?

This is what we want to know. Does God really love us forever? Not just on Easter Sunday when our shoes are shined and our hair is fixed. We want to know (deep within, don't we really want to know?) how does God feel about me when I'm a jerk? When I snap at anything that moves; when my thoughts are gutter-level; when my tongue is sharp enough to slice a rock. Hpw does he feel about me then?

That's the question.

Did I drift too far? Wait too long? Slip too much? Did I out-sin the love of God? The answer is found in one of life's sweetest words -

GRACE.

This book - In the Grip of Grace by Max Lucado, along with my Bible, now sit beside my desk, where I can reach them if I get bored or otherwise tempted. I hope it will help me to understand grace more, to appreciate it, and live my life in gratitude for it.

That is the first step of this new journey.

Pete Tong

It all went a bit wrong at the weekend...

The aforementioned sexual frustration, lack of sleep, stress of parenthood, trying to get my workload sorted after an effectively unplanned 2 week absence, all joined forces and crowded God out of my life. There are also issues in the home which are frustrating, but I have to let them go for the moment because my wife is also coming to terms with parenthood, and battling the baby blues (I don't think it's full on post-natal depression, but there are definite mood swings) and she needs me to be there to help when I can.

And where God gets crowded out, I seek escape in other ways. Porn. MB.

It is, perhaps, ironic that (although I don't have a problem with alcohol, and rarely drink more than a couple of beers anyway) I have been avoiding beer so I would be better able to look after the baby in the middle of the night or early mornings...

But that's not really the point. The point is that something triggered me, and I wasn't wise enough to spot it for what it was and leave quickly.

It was a long way short of the escapades of the past, but given the progress I had been making, it's disappointing.

I will re-focus. Take my eyes off the porn/recovery, and focus on the Lord and my Christian walk. The two are, after all, very much parallel.

Creative Intimacy

Sex has been something of a pipe dream during the latter weeks of pregnancy. I didn't mind that.

Now my wife's body is a lot more, um, functional, so sex will remian a pipe dream for a little while. I don't mind that either.

The baby cries all night (I mind that!) so my wife and I have crept back to bed in the afternoon while she naps. I don't mind that.

And we get close. Intimate, in a virtually non-sexual way. I definitely don't mind that.

With sex off the menu, it's like the days before we were married - finding ways to have fun and intimacy without getting involved in messy biology. I really, really don't mind that.

We did come close enough that I ached at the end... I could have done without that...

My wife told me I could do something about it. I don't mind that, but I found I really didn't want to. The feeling passed after a while, and I was glad I didn't take advantage of that 'offer'.

I'll wait, and let my wife be the one to relieve the sexual tension. I'm sure I won't mind that!

An intense couple of weeks

Well, it finally happened...

The reason for my recent absence is that I was busy becoming, and getting used to being, a Daddy.

I wish I could blog lyrical about the experience so far, but really words can't describe the day it happened. The whole experience was just so intense.

So now I have another reason to avoid porn: a little girl who should never be exposed to such stuff.