Slight Return

I am not back.

This is just a quick update before the PC goes into storage for the move... I'm quite glad it's only been a week since I last posted, with all the stress of the impending house move, it's felt like ages, and seemed like I've been porning again for weeks.

Well, as expected, I did take a running jump off the back of the wagon. However, last time I was trying to get off on some porn (and I stress trying, because it was a real effort; it wasn't having its usual effect...) I realised how pathetic and sad it was. I honestly had no idea why I was doing it.

So, as a result, I now have a new resolve to stop. Day One is today.

With moving house, decorating and settling in, I probably won't have my own PC and internet connection for 2-3 weeks, so I may be unable to blog for a while, but, not being dumb enough to access net filth on my parents' PC, or at work, or the library, at least I won't be able to access net filth.

The struggle resumes now. The blog will resume in about 3 weeks.

Pear-shaped

Yes, it all went horribly Pete Tong a few days ago.

I don't like to make excuses, but:
Moving is getting stressful.
My wife is constantly tired, so I've been doing a lot more housework than usual and the bulk of the packing & other preparations.
I'm also not getting any.

So, the other day, when something triggering dropped through the letterbox (unsolicited), I made a bad choice.

I looked.

Weakened by the stress I'm under, a quick peek snowballed utterly beyond control.

The move is keeping me busy, so hopefully I should be able to keep my mind on other things and not act out again in too big a way, but I can't dedicate the energy it needs to sobriety at the moment.

I may not be around for a few weeks, as we move, unpack, and settle in.

But I will be back.

And I'll make a real effort when I haven't got quite so much else going on.

Two weeks clean...

Part one Part two

Well, since it's a bit of a tradition, I'll celebrate this first milestone again.
It is, after all, the first time I've strung a fortnight together since this happened, so why not?

So, today will be two weeks without porn, and without MB.

It's not all plain sailing at the moment though.

Recently a challenge was posted on the support board, asking whether we, the recovering addicts, were serious in our efforts. At the time I genuinely believed I was. However, that voice at the back of my mind, the voice of the inner addict, is getting more persistent.

Just get to the end of your April commitment, then you can have a little porn.

Well, OK, go for the nine week record, then there will be plenty of new stuff on your favourite sites.

If you can complete the 100 day challenge, you've got it under control. Then you can make an occasional visit, see who's doing what to whom, and leave it alone for another 100 days.

Now, rational me has no intention of doing any of those things, but an increasing part of me is actually listening to this crap. So, how serious am I?

Pregnancy problems

Not problems with Mrs 386 or Junior, but problems with my intended recovery, brought about by the pregnancy issue.

It's been almost 3 weeks since we had any sexual contact, due to tiredness, and the possible miscarriage scare of course. I'm happy with this; it's more important to me that mother and baby stay well.

But I've been MB free since March 31st, and the sexual tension is starting to tell. My wife has noticed, and told me she doesn't mind what I do to relieve it...

Obviously, she knows I wouldn't go and sleep with her sister or anything stupid like that.

She knows I like naked women. She knows I've bought Maxim, and seen porn movies. But I don't expect she meant me to go away and perv off on them all night.

She doesn't know the depths this addiction went to. She doesn't know that I no longer MB, or buy Maxim, or watch porn movies, not because I've outgrown them, but because I need to impose these rules on myself. She doesn't know I've made, and intend to keep, a deliberate promise to myself not to MB during April.

When she says she doesn't mind, I don't know exactly where she draws her lines. I can think of a few things that she would definitely disapprove of, but I can also think of a few grey areas. And I don't want to ask; if they're not as strict as my own (which, currently, are pretty damn strict) they may give me justification to act out, in however small a way.

At the moment, I'm holding out for some kind of sexual relief with my wife...

Good things

I was teetering on the edge, this afternoon... stressed by work, the call of porn as a means of escape was pretty strong.

I am pleased to say I was able to resist, and instead went and posted on the procrstination journal at the support board.

While I was there I noticed that one of the guys had said a prayer for me, at about the time I was beginning to feel tempted.

And during the course of these events, I realised that one of the reasons I turn to porn is to escape the pressures of work, a coping mechanism when I feel out of my depth in my job, as I did this afternoon.

Progress, perhaps?

Well, if he can do it...

...anyone can!

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/entertainment/4432415.stm

I really don't care!

Something happened recently which suddenly put sex, porn and all that crap into perspective.
My wife’s pregnant. (No, that’s not it.)

What was it, was the appearance of blood where there shouldn’t be any.
Sudden, panicky miscarriage scare.
Screaming to the hospital, exercising blatant disregard for such technicalities as speed limits. (Not red lights though. I’m not stupid!)

Prodding was done, scans were taken, samples were… sampled.
(Obviously, it’s ok, otherwise I wouldn’t be writing this so flippantly.)
Questions were asked: “Will it stop?”
Shoulders were shrugged: “Not necessarily.”
Things were realised by my wife: “No more sex, then.”
And by me: “I really don’t care.”

Of course, I expected a while without sex during pregnancy.
I didn’t expect it to start quite this soon, but… I really don’t care. It’s far more important to know that little one is ok. (That sentence doesn’t do the reality any justice, does it?)

The Addict, of course, will want – nay, expect – some compensation for an extended sex-drought.

Well the Addict can go swivel, ’cos there is no way any kid of mine is getting brought up in a house where there's porn to be found.

Addict, meet a Sense of Perspective...

Getting back on track

Right.

Work's picked up again. That ought to relieve the boredom at least.

My wife will be back at work, too, by the time I'm next at home all day; that means I can get back into good habits of spending some time with God before the working day crowds him out. With a good start like that, the increased workload should keep me on the straight and narrow while home alone.

And I think, through the Q&A posts on here, and things I've started to realise while reading the support board, I'm starting to build up more of a picture of why I do the things I do. As that process continues, hopefully I'll be able to change my way of thinking, find better ways to deal with life, and get porn the hell out of my life...

Q&A (part two)

So what goes on, immediately before a slip?
Usually I'm working at home, at the PC. That's where the opportunity comes from.
So why act on the opportunity? What goes through your mind?
Usually I've been working on the same thing for a while, and I've just got bored. I've got the entire internet in front of me, so I go looking.
But why for porn?
Escapism again.
Escaping your work? Are you stressed?

I don't feel any symptoms of stress, other than the temptation to lose myself in porn.

Just bored?

I enjoy the job, as a whole, but some of the paperwork gets a bit tedious, that's all.

So why do you need to escape it?

Sometimes I just feel I'm out of my depth in my job. I'm working on my own outside the comfort zone I've had in previous jobs. The porn I go to is something I know - the same models, most of the time - where there's no pressure on me. It's a comfort zone, somewhere predictable I can escape to.

April

I've committed myself to staying clean for April.
I'd like to commit to longer - the nine weeks I almost managed, the 100 days some of the support board guys are going for - but at the moment, on Day One, I need to start smaller.
So April is my target at the moment. Here's what I'll be doing:

1. Staying away from all porn and other sources of temptation.
2. Not indulging in MB, sexual fantasy, or any remotely sexual activities unless my wife is with me.
3. Cutting back my online time to three sessions a day (for e-mailing, blogging and visiting the support board) unless specifically required for work.
4. Getting the hell away from the PC during my lunch break when working at home. This will probably entail physically leaving the house, which can't be a bad side effect anyway.
5. Continuing to question myself about the addiction and its causes, probably adding to yesterday's Q&A post.
6. Resume my reward system of £1 a day, and treat myself at the end of April. Since Buffy & Angel DVDs are coming out in miser-back editions for about £35, that will be my treat come May 5th.

As well as all this, I am going to increase my chances of success, I hope, by trying not to think of it in terms of 'avoiding porn', but rather to fill the gap porn has been occupying with more positive things. Especially, my relationship with God, which, to be 'real', will preclude porn use by default. So, in no particular order, I intend to:

1. Get my prayer life back on track.
2. Write something.
3. Read - the Bible, and some quality fiction.
4. Spend more quality time with my wife.

And then, I'll have got over the last few very rocky weeks, and be ready to tackle May...