Missed opportunities

Looking back over some past entries earlier, I came across this snippet, which I wrote a couple of weeks into my recovery:

I can’t get back the time I’ve wasted. I may well have missed out on some real blessings as I’ve drifted away.

It has occurred to me over the last day or two, the full extent of what I missed out on during porn's reign in my life.

Regular readers may recall that I believe God has a purpose for my life, and that I have been trying to figure out just what that might be.

Well, I think I've figured it out.

And, I think, at some point between worshipping at the altar of porn and trying desparately to tear myself away from it, God got fed up waiting and passed the baton on to a friend of mine.

Frankly, I can't blame Him. He needed a job doing, and despite having planted the seed of the job in my heart some time ago, I was to busy getting deeper into porn to listen, identify the seed for what it was, and attempt to nurture it. When the time came, I wasn't there for Him. As a result, I have to sit back and watch my pal do what should, I believe, have been my job. Now, either he'll do a really good job and I'll feel utterly inadequate in comparison, or he'll do a rubbish job and I'll go 'Why Lord, why? Why did you let him go and ruin it when I could have done so much better?'.

Of course, it's far more likely that God has equipped my friend to do a fantastic job, and I'll be happy for him if he can put something together that he's happy with and that glorifies God.

Like I said, I don't blame God, or my friend. It's my own stupid fault. I guess I'll have to live with this as a consequence of my sin, and use the experience to learn not to do it again.

Hungover

I've decided to reset the clock from today. Yes, today is yet another Day One.

That's not because I've slipped again as much as because the past few days have been like a hangover from the last time.

Mental images, recent and not so recent ones brought to mind again during the slip.
MBing.
Almost stopping and buying one of those 'lad's mags', that are almost, but not quite, pornographic. Usually.
Checking out non-nude stuff (like the aforementioned magazines) on the 'net.

One of those I can't do much about, except concentrate on positive things instead.
The others are completely within my control, and I found myself doing them yesterday.

So today I'm calling for another fresh start; before those kinds of activities drag me back into porn for a longer stay, I'm calling a stop to them.

As of now: NO porn, NO mb, NO using soft/non-nude images instead, and much positive thinking.

Day One starts here.

Day One in context

OK, so Friday was Day One. The latest in a long line of Day Ones, stretching back to the beginning of this blog, and beyond.

So what does that mean? I'm so rubbish at recovery that I have to keep starting again? Well, maybe, if you take the narrow view of recovery as meaning 'Never looking at pictures of attractive women or MBing again'.

Today is Day Five. The latest in a long line of Day Fives, admittedly, but... it's been relatively easy to pick myself up, move on and get to this point without either beating myself up for slipping, or getting sucked into a week long binge. In fact, I've hardly given it a thought since Friday.

Undoubtedly, that is progress. Not bingeing is, in itself, a small success.

And, to put Day One into context as part of the bigger picture...

Out of the last 46 days, I have visited porn sites on one, and MBd on two (OK, so that wagon is proving a little trickier to get back on.

This is not really Day Five.

It's Day Three-hundred and twenty.

Give yourself enough rope...

I've spent too long at the edge over the last week. I should have known sooner or later I'd fall in.

And, sure enough, fall I did.

But I won't capitalise on it, I won't take advantage of one wasted day by wasting the next twelve in its wake. I'm getting up, now, and carrying on.

And I'm taking the lessons with me:
1 - it wasn't worth it. Porn is rubbish.
2 - I need some rules. I wasn't quick enough defining my rules after I last nearly slipped last week. So I'm counting this one, and starting afresh. With rules.

And hey, it's all progress... I mean, 40 days without porn or mb is pretty good going from where I was. My next goal...

One day without porn & mb.

Starting over

I'll explain later.

Just wanted to mark this as the point where I started again.

Software Glitch

My internet filter developed some sort of glitch last time I disabled it. Its absence has made it easier for me to wander into the borderlands on porn again.

Now, I know that I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT!!

But still, the temptation is there and the stupid part of my brain keeps letting me wander in that direction.

So, I think I've fixed the filter, and got it up and running again now.

Of course, I can still bypass it or disable it. I will always be able to do that if I put my mind to it. But that requires a greater act of will than just carelessly clicking the wrong link, or pursuing an inappropriate web search.

It's there to prevent inadvertant glimpses, and to slow down deliberate acts on the part of my stupid brain, in the hope that my sensible brain gets a chance to catch up in the delay and stop me.

(That was a terrible, illiterate entry, I know. Sorry.)

Yesterday...

I came within a whisker of destroying all the good I have done.

I knew it was going to be a bad day. It might have been the psychological barrier. It might have been another frustrated attempt to connect with my wife the previous evening. It might have been the fact that I had to work at home all day and got bored and lonely. It was probably a combination of all these and other factors.

But even knowing I wasn't strong, I allowed myself to stretch the limits. I've done this kind of stuff before; 'testing' the filters, looking for bikini pictures...

I felt really bad that I went as far as I did yesterday. I was disappointed with myself, upset that it happened while things seemed to be going so well. I was genuinely troubled by my stupidity.

However, I later realised it wasn't as bad as it could have been. Yes, I was stupid. Yes, I found myself at a website I should not have been anywhere near. But I could have dived right back in. I could have decided, 'Right, well, I'm here now, may as well make the most of it...'

But I didn't. I turned the computer off and left the house. I didn't dive in; I feel bad that I skirted around the edges for as long as I did, but I didn't go in.

I hope I don't sound like I'm making excuses. Justifying a quick glimpse.

Even quick glimpses, to a pathetic addict like me, can be habit forming.

Because I didn't go off on a binge, as I feared I might have done at one point, I'm going to move on, counting today as Day Thirty-five. Some may think I'm being too generous, that I slipped, and that I should start again. Well, tough, I make the rules here.

To say I lost it all yesterday would be to invite my addict out on a binge. I didn't MB yesterday, which would be a terrible waste of a slip.

But if I do it again today, knowing what I do... now that would most definitely be a 'Day Zero' offence.

Bad Moon Rising

Well, it looks like I'm in for some nasty weather. Sobriety-wise.

Woke up this morning with an irrational craving for MB...

Well, it's day 34, without porn or MB. The longest I've ever gone without MB is 33 days, so maybe it's psychological. Whether that's true or not, today is going to be rough.

So I'm going to be tough on myself. No porn; that's a given. No MB; I'm sure no good would come of doing it 'just for the release', or to clear my head ready for work. No googling... well, anything, really, just in case. In fact, just no random surfing. That too can easily lead to bad places on a day like this. I will get through today.

Something to add now...

I'm tired. Bad night's sleep again... probably still suffering withdrawal or something.

But even though the task I'm working on is very nearly finished, I can't quite keep my mind on it long enough to just get to the end in one sitting. My mind's wandering... and so, annoyingly, is my web browser. I don't know what I was thinking at the time, but I googled something that got me a picture of a naked woman...

I don't know if, for a moment, I thought I could just have a quick look and then get back to reality, but I realised, before making that final click, that it doesn't work that way. No good can come of even the shortest visit to a site like that.

So I left; here I am. Annoyingly, even that brief glimpse of a tiny picture has dragged my mind down. Time for positive thoughts now...

Cor, 100 posts!

Yep, one whole hundred blogs battling the nastiness within.

Nothing much to add today, just thought the century was worth highlighting.

Prob'ly wasn't, was it?

A new month, a new direction?

I feel like I've turned a corner in the last week. No, scratch that; it's more like I think there's a corner just up the road...

Right now I feel I have the upper hand over this problem, and the question I'm asking myself is what do I do with the experience? As a writer, I have been trying to use the experience as the basis for a work of fiction, but most of my attempts so far have taken a turn for the seedy, which obviously would defeat the object. I do plan to try something a bit creative alongside this blog, but of course the same may happen with that.

The thought of writing a non-fiction book on the subject has occurred to me, but I'm not sure I have much to add to what is already out there.

Then there is the possibility of some kind of opportunity opening up in the church, though I've no idea what. This, of course, is the most frightening option, since even my wife doesn't know what I've been up to, and I'm reluctant to include her with baby so imminent...

Of course, this could be a temporary high. It could be the result of a good month, and a bad week turning good.

Whatever part my feelings may play in this, I will be praying for some guidance, for direction. And then I'll pray for the strength to follow.

The blessing outweighs the shame.

I know, I don't normally post at weekends. I normally stay away from the PC. But today, after church, I felt I should write something. Maybe I was inspired. I was certainly blessed. And I have to write this, as kind of a thank you. Maybe, soon, I will share the rest of the story.

Porn is a terrible waste. Porn actresses have potential. They have other talents. They can be wonderful, beautiful people, they can do amazing things, be abundantly blessed by God, and in their turn be a blessing to the rest of us. They can be awesome women of God.

Shelley Lubben is one such awesome woman of God. A former porn actress, saved by the grace of God and now fighting against porn. Her story has been a particular blessing to me during what has been a tough week.

Shelley has made a difference to me, today, so much more incredible than any other porn actress has ever made, that I feel stupid even making that comparison. Without even knowing it, she has made my world a better place. She is a brilliant example of what porn actresses are really capable of.

But not if I, and people like me, keep funding the porn that drags them in and traps them.

Shelley's story, and her openness and the love she shows to those still involved in porn, has shamed me. How many more women, with her potential, have I helped to keep trapped in that lifestyle?

Well I'm not going to do that any more. From today (my 30th day without porn), for eternity, I make my promise not to support that lifestyle.

No more porn. Ever.

Confession

I have to confess to indulging in sexual activities this morning.

It has been four weeks of total abstention, which may have been a factor in the frustrations and temptations of this last week, but today my wife stepped up and... well, you know.

And it was good. After four weeks without physical intimacy, you would expect me to say that, I guess. But it was. And afterwards, I didn't, as I have done in the past, instantly want more. That kind of reaction, I can see now, was part of the addict in me. The part of me that was hooked on the chemical rush of orgasm. That part was actually satisfied.

Today, I feel good about it all.

Weak Four

Week Four, it must be said, has been tough. I lost focus at the beginning of the week, and it's taken me a while to find my way again.

I've been at the top of a slippery slope; the one that starts with an image search for this actress, or that pop starlet. One of them goes on your desktop wallpaper. You download a few more...

and, then you realise where the hell you're going. Next thing you know you'll be minimizing your work window every few seconds just to check she's still behind it. (She is.) Then you'll be bored of that static image, and start watching those images on an endlessly repeating slide show. You'll push the boundaries... bikinis, lingerie... and before you know it, topless, 'tasteful' nude... then BAM! you're mired in a porn swamp again.

I stopped in time. I stepped away from the edge. I like my science-fiction wallpaper. But I don't need to look at it every few seconds to get through the day.

I'm back on track now. My one hour rule at work seems to be working (or rather, keeping me working), and I feel a good day's work coming on.

A working plan

Part of the problem is that, since I've been working from home, I've conditioned myself to take *ahem* wank-breaks, at least as often as tea-breaks, and usually lasting a lot longer. I fear to imagine how many times my tea has gone cold while the screen, the endless clicking, link after link, consumes every ounce of my attention...

Anyway, for the last 18 months, my workplace has also been the site of my acting out. This is conditioning which I have to break. The first stage of which, is my new work plan, which goes something like this:

1. Get up earlier. This morning I was at my PC at 7.30am. This meant I could get an hour's work in, then check the support board etc. before work officially started at 9.00.
2. Start the day with a prayer. I can't over-emphasise how important it is to concentrate on my relationship with God over and above quitting porn use. The one will lead to the other.
3. Change task every hour. Whether I need to or not. Getting bored of the same task is a major trigger, not necessarily to do porn, but to procrastinate, waste time online, and venture back to the top of that slippery slope.
4. Have frequent tea-breaks. OK, so substituting porn for caffeine may not be the wisest thing, but... we have de-caff. And it's the getting away from the screen that's important.
5. Go out at lunch-time. Walk to the shop. Buy a Mars bar. Walk back. Just get some fresh air in my lungs!

It's a work in progress. I'll try this for a day or two, and tweak it as necessary. I'll probably add to it over time. But it's a start.

Walking the tightrope

I'm doing it again. I'm treading that fine line that separates acceptable and unacceptable behaviour.

I'm messing about at my computer, wasting time online. Messing with my desktop wallpaper. Looking for new ones - something no good can come of...

Got myself a nice, female-free wallpaper on now, incidentally.

So it's day 26, and it's starting to get tough. But I'm not giving in. I've stopped myself going any further down the roads I know lead to trouble. Working is not coming easily though, and that's the problem.

There are three problems: firstly, I'm working at home, which means I'm not monitored and can pretty much do what I like, when I like.
Secondly, home has reverted to it's primeval swamp-like state, which gets me down every time I leave the office. I just know that I'm going to be on cleaning duty this evening, because my wife will get home too tired to help.
And thirdly, I get bored of work too quickly.

I could get a new job, kill all three problems in one shot. The idea has occurred to me. I've seen jobs I'd quite like. I don't know, however, whether that would be a sensible move, financially, and for job security, with a sprog imminent.

I could just go and do the bloody housework, of course; write off the rest of the day and start afresh tomorrow. That is almost certainly a viable option, however problem number three will still exist, and I think it's this that needs to be addressed. After all, that's what makes my mind wander and my fingers surf.

So, before tomorrow, then, I'm going to have to work out some sort of work strategy that allows me to get things done, but at the same time provides enough variety to keep my mind focussed on the job.

Procrastination

I'm having a bad day today. I've passed three weeks without P or MB, and aside from another porn dream last night, I thought it was going ok...

But today I just can't get my work head on. I desparately need to pull my finger out and get some actual work done, but... I just can't seem to get into it.

So I'm wasting time. I haven't done any porn. I haven't MB'd.

But all this procrastinating.... it's a step towards it. I can feel it.

The dream did me some good last night, because I woke up again with a fresh realisation that I was still clean, this is Day Twenty-four, and not just another Day One. I realised how bad I would feel if I did slip now.

So.

How the hell do I get my work head back on?

September

After a number of false starts, I am going to make this a calendar month without porn.

It's also, with my wife's pregnancy into its final few weeks, a good opportunity to build on the last 19 days without sexual activity, so I will be aiming for a MB-free month too.

The plan is much the same as it always has been:

• Staying away from all porn and other sources of temptation.
• Not indulging in MB, sexual fantasy, or any remotely sexual activities without my wife, who is unlikely to be interested.
• Cutting back my online time to three sessions a day (for e-mailing, blogging and visiting the support board) unless specifically required for work.
• Getting the hell away from the PC during my lunch break when working at home. This will probably entail physically leaving the house, which can't be a bad side effect anyway.
• My reward system of £1 a day is up to £19 now; at the end of the month I'll treat myself to a DAB radio. (My pesky wife having treated me to the remaining Buffy/Angel DVDs...)
• Continuing to explore the causes of my addiction.

As well as all this, I am going to increase my chances of success, I hope, by trying not to think of it in terms of 'avoiding porn', but rather to fill the gap porn has been occupying with more positive things. Especially, my relationship with God, which, to be 'real', will preclude porn use by default. So, in no particular order, I intend to:

• Get my prayer life back on track.
• Write something.
• Read - the Bible, and some quality fiction.
• Spend more quality time with my wife.

Deja vu? Again?