Half Century

The fifty day mark passed this week-end... today is day 52 without porn.

It feels good to be at that point, but at the same time, part of me is still hankering after the bad old days. The Old Me is still hanging around, lingering like a bad smell, reminding me of the rush of porn-inspired MB, the thrill of the chase, if you like, of hunting down new pics and new movies. But I can reign it in now. I'm learning self-control. The Old Me is still around, but he's no longer dominant. I'm in control.

Which is also a bad thing. I've realised there is a simple reason why my eyes may linger on TV images or attractive women, and why porn memories have started surfacing: I've taken my eyes off the Lord.

Only briefly, but what was becoming a good, regular habit of daily prayer and Bible study has been crowded out by other pressures. (There is so much going on in my life at the moment that I wonder how I ever found time for porn, especially if I consider how much of my time it would devour at its peak.)

So, I herewith relinquish control. I'm putting God back in charge, because otherwise the temptations I have withstood for a few days will get the better of me. I'm not strong enough to beat this on my own yet.

Maybe I never will be, but that doesn't matter; I never need to tackle it alone.

MB'd this morning

For the first time in 33 days - that's probably an all-time record for me.

Over the last few days I have been haunted by old porn-memories, and teasing snippets on TV or cute girls in the street have caused my mind to wander from time to time. So this morning I woke up needing the release, but my wife wasn't interested in helping.

No porn was involved, just a crazy fantasy involving my wife, and, (and this is the important part) the act did dampen my sex drive for the day, and stop me thinking about porn, pestering my wife for a bit of action, or generally spending the day lusting after anyone vaguely attractive like some gibbering sex-craved idiot.

The new issue of FHM is out...

Which is a good thing because I rather liked the look of last months cover star. I didn't buy the magazine at the time because my wife was elsehwere in the shop, but I told myself I'd have a closer look, and maybe buy it, next time I was out on business. That was before my near misses on the internet, which made me realise that no good would come from buying mags of that sort.

Knowing how vulnerable I was at that time, I decided (and recorded on the support board) that so much as opening the cover in a newsagents would constitute a slip.

I was sorely tempted the other day, by this and another lad’s magazine. Having already seen the cover and deemed it out of bounds, I resisted both.

And today I notice a new cover star. Magazines are no longer out of bounds; that rule was for a specific issue which I recognised might have led me into a downward spiral of lust. This month, none of those magazines had any real appeal for me, however cute and scantily-clad the girls featured were.

Maybe I am, finally, growing up.

The Christian Without a Testimony (Part 2)

I hit the bottom just before starting this blog last November. That finally made me look up, and see how far I’d fallen. But there was a way back.

I placed a post on the support board recently recommending a fresh reading of the story of the prodigal son in Luke 15. In the NIV the second part of the story starts with the phrase 'When he came to his senses...' which is exactly what I did when I started this journal.

I came to my senses, and headed back to my Father, feeling utterly unworthy. I didn’t receive my welcome home party immediately; there was a bit of walking to be done first. But when I made the effort, my father ran out to meet me, greeted me with open arms and carried me back to where I belonged. Since then I have received many blessings, some of which will help me remain sober, others just things I have been able to share with fellow recovering addicts.

This is still not a testimony I can share with friends; of course I’m ashamed of what I’ve done. However, this blog, for now at least, will be my living, growing testimony. I hope anyone reading it will get some encouragement from it.

The Christian Without a Testimony

That's how I once thought of myself. Having heard and read countless tales of how people found God in the midst of adversity, or whose faith helped them through life's toughest challenges, I felt somewhat lacking. Like many people brought up by Christian parents, the story of my coming to faith is very ordinary. Dull, even. Obviously I should be thankful for the blessings I have had all my life, and for being able to find salvation without going through the mill. But was I? Or have I just taken it all for granted?

Living the Christian life is easy in our cosy, Western civilisation. In places like China, where the Christian church has to be an underground movement, following Christ is a constant challenge. Becoming a martyr is a very real threat in some parts of the world. So Christians learn to rely on God, as we all should. As I should.

That, I believe, is why God allowed me to get addicted to porn. That's why he let me get to the brink of sabotaging my comfortable life, to risk losing my job, my homes, my family, and everything else that makes life so cosy.

Sometimes, we have to hit the bottom before we can look up.

Surfing rules!

Following those close calls, it was obvious that my inner addict was looking for loopholes in my self-imposed rules, and that my internet surfing was helping him along. That was part of the reason for going offline last week.

But, I work from home, and therefore need to send and receive e-mails, and research stuff on the web, which has led me to spend a lot of time online while I'm 'in the office'. Because there is no boss peering over my shoulder, the temptation to surf for random entertaining websites when work gets a bit tedious is very real, and led to my porn addiction becoming as monstrous as it did.

So, taking recent experiences as something to learn from, I have made myself some new rules, which are here for all to see, so there can be no doubt that breaking them again will be a slip.

Rule number 1: Don't stay online. Unless I have a legitimate reason to be surfing, I will go online no more than 3 times during the day to send & receive e-mail, check in at the support board, blog, etc.

Rule number 2: The porn sites are all blocked already, but any 'clean' sites which may include provocative images, text, or any other possible triggers, will be shut down as soon as this becomes apparent. A closer look 'to check it out' will definitely be a slip.

Rule number 3: Any potentially triggering sites will be deleted from my surfing history, not to cover my tracks, but so that I can't go back and find them at a later stage.

I don't expect these to be definitive, and there may well be additions as time goes by, but for now these rules will keep my internet time from wasting time and protect me from potential slips.

It's been a while...

Sorry folks, I just needed to avoid this place for a while, as random surfing threw a couple of close calls my way. I have been offline totally for the last week and a bit, which is brilliant when my workload allows it... it's amazing how much actual work can get done without the temptation to surf, not only for mucky pictures, but for innocent stuff too. And it's allowed some good quality time with my wife, which can only be a good thing.

I have posted a few things on the support board since my last blog, so if anyone’s followed my link from there I apologise if I repeat myself, but they are part of the story I am attempting to document here.

Anyway, those close calls... First off, I happened upon a selection of ‘erotic writing’. This wasn’t something I had previously given much thought, and so it wasn’t one of my bottom line activities. I stayed long enough to realise that if I allowed myself to read stuff like this I would more than likely be back again. And again. Ad infinitum. On the plus side, I went away when I realised what I was doing, and I didn’t even attempt to follow any of the numerous links from this site, in case they contained any material already deemed off-limits.

On another occasion while surfing randomly I followed a link to some desktop pictures for my PC. They turned out to be mainly the sort that feature bikinis. I didn't stay long, and fled to the support board before any sort of acting out could occur.

Both of these were brief, accidental occurences, so I have not counted them as slips. However, deliberate return visits to those sites, or hanging around on other similar sites I may discover, will definitely constitute the end of my sober streak.

A passing grade

I made it through. I'm still running. I'm still clean.

I took my mind off it, and by the end of the day, those thoughts weren't troubling me. In fact, now I wonder why they were such a big deal.

No matter. I'm through my toughest test to date - and I scored a passing grade.

I don't need porn. Nobody does.