It's that man again...

More words of weakness from the apostle Paul:

What I don't understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can't be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God's command is necessary.

But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.

It happens so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is
there to trip me up. I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge. What I don't understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can't be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God's command is necessary.

Romans 7:15-23, The Message

It all sounds depressingly familiar... but then again, I guess that just shows that the best of us can struggle with our sinful nature.

Thursday: Still caught in the MB loop.... being online is tempting me, so I'm going offline for a few days. Clear my head, than come back.

Disturbing poll

According to this poll by Amnesty International, one third of people in the UK think women who flirt are partially to blame if they are raped, and a quarter of people think they are partially or totally responsible if they were wearing 'sexy or revealing clothing'.

That's scary. I mean, as a sex addict, I've recognised that kind of thought process in myself. I like to think I have the self-control, not to mention morals, not to act on such thoughts - I certainly never have acted on them - but I'm aware that they have started to form in my mind. So who's to blame: a young woman, for wanting to look sexy on a night out, or me, for being a screwed up little pervert? Surely that's a no-brainer?

It gets worse: eight per cent believed that a woman was totally responsible for being raped if she’d had many sexual partners. Totally responsible? A woman who likes sex is asking to be raped.

Similarly, a woman who's had a few too many, or simply 'failed to clearly say no' is partially or totally to blame for being raped.

There are some pretty screwed up findings in that report. I really hope it wasn't a true reflection of the culture I live in, but like I said... I've had the same thoughts myself. I just happen to recognise them for what they are: lies put forward by my inner lust monster.

Now I don't agree with any of those statements.

But if, for the sake of argument, we say that a woman, for any of the reasons given, is 'asking for it', we surely can't neglect the fact that it takes a certain kind of man to answer them.

I believe that porn is responsible for creating men like that.

And I thank God that I saw what I could have become long before it happened.


Wednessday: Even stupider - repeated yesterday's mistakes. Don't get sucked in!

Stupid stupid stupid

I survived a week, and then I think I tried testing myself.

I know there's muck to be found on the net. I know it's easy to stumble across without even trying. So what did I do? I put myself right in its path. Right where I knew, sooner or later, the opening would come.

I don't know what I thought would happen. I guess I hoped I would be smart enough to look the other way.

I wasn't. It wasn't to my usual taste, and thankfully I didn't decide to go off and find something that was, but I did end up mb'ing.

I failed the test. I will always fail the test. I will keep failing the test until I realise that I DON'T NEED TO TAKE THE BLOODY TEST!

Dream Time in Lake Jackson

I've come to expect these now after a few days off the P&MB.

Last night in my sleep I acquired a small selection of porn mags, most of which I got rid of fairly promptly. But my favourite, I kept.

And that is something I have done a lot of in my porning stints. Have a download frenzy, realise much of it was repetitive or just plain crap, and thin down the collection. Then realise most of what was left was repetetive, or just crap, and shred all but my favourites. There would always be one or two items that were just too good to destroy.

I probably wasted almost as much time 'refining' my collection as I did building it up in the first place.

For goodness sake, get a hobby!


Monday: No porn. No MB. No borderline behaviour. Spare time spent on my new hobby!

Updating...

Thursday: A close call - I need to be careful when browsing Blogger - but no porn, MB, or borderline behaviour.

Friday: None of the above

Saturday: Weekends are family time, temptation usually at a low anyway.

Sunday: No porn, MB etc, but starting to feel frustrated.

St Paul the Porn Addict

To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
2 Corinthians 12:7-9

Of course, we don't know what Paul's thorn was (and I don't think internet porn was a big thing in his day), but, as I was reminded of these words while reading Max Lucado, my initial thought was 'Maybe Paul was a sex addict?'

Is it coincidence that top of Lucado's list of potential 'thorns' was Sexual Sin?

No doubt the wording is vague so that we can all relate to Paul's problem, and take comfort in the fact that such a man of God can relate to our own troubles. (And that's all I'm doing; I have no great revelation that he was, in fact, any kind of sex addict.)

But Paul was a man; a man who wrote much on the subject of sexual immorality during his ministry. A man who shows me that men have long faced this struggle, the struggle against their own sexual nature. A man who had his fair share of issues, whether or not they were anything to do with sex. But a man who was used - and still is used - by God.

I guess my point is that there's hope for all of us.

Wednesday: Tempted to look a couple of times, but no porn, no MB, no borderline activity.

Transparency

Uisng this blog as a guide, I reckon that over the last year I have stayed clean for about half the time. Just over 50% of the last 365 days have seen no P/MB.

That's hardly a record to be proud of, but then, it's probably a big improvement over the previous year.

And it's something to aim for. I know I said I wasn't going to count the days - and I'm not - but I am going to make a more accurate record of my activites, as they relate to this blog.

I'm going to start with today, and record every day's porn usage, monkey abuse, ogling, and anything else I may find to do that's inappropriate. I hope that making myself confess every detail on the day it happens will encourage me not to have any details... another experiment begins.

Tuesday: No porn. No MB. No borderline behaviour.

Annual review

Well, it's a year since I realised that porn was a problem in my life and made a concerted effort to clean up my act.

So, obviously I will have matured and grown out of porn in the last twelve months.

Um... not so much. It hasn't gone as smoothly as I might have hoped, and it hasn't been as easy to keep going as those first few weeks. Even the last month has been tainted with minor lapses: a soft pic here, an MB there... so I'm far from out of the woods.

But I have learnt a lot, about myself, about my addiction, and about my relationship with God.

I've also (mostly) stayed away from the kind of almighty binge that triggered this blog; and even those relatively minor indiscretions leave me feeling crappy about myself these days.

So there has been progress, but... Must Try Harder!

One at a time please

I only have the strength to fight one battle at a time.

Now I choose to fight with my family; help my wife battling depression, and our daughter with, well, being a baby.

Does that mean I'm giving in on the fight with my addict?

Of course not. I just don't have the energy or inclination to fight him any more.

So I'm just going to stop listening to him.

Time for honesty

It may seem from the last few entries that things are going well, that I'm rediscovering God and moving further away from my lust-filled past.

That's not the full story.

I have learnt a lot as I have attempted to rediscover God's grace.

I have written some prayers on here, and meant them as I did so.

I have avoided porn, at least for the last week.

However, I have found it hard to avoid MB. For a large part of the time, reality sucks at the moment, and I need to escape. So, I... punish the proverbial monkey.

Which, it must be said, also sucks. It also leads my mind off to unhealthy places, thoughts of fantasy and porn... and as a result, right now it's a battle not to go look for smut.

Right now I'm fighting a battle, and I will have to come back to my prayers once I have won. That's not to say that God is off to one side while I fight; that would be stupid. On the contrary, God is an integral part of my current battle, but in a slightly different way. I am just recognising that I am in a weakened state at the moment, and will have to recommit myself when I'm stronger.

The battle I'm fighting at the moment, the thing I need to escape from, is depression. Not mine, but my wife's. Thing is, when she's down, I get down. And because I can't do anything to help her depression, I feel useless, almost unwanted. And need to escape.

My weapons are three-fold:

1. I have found myself a project with which to occupy any spare moments I may otherwise devote to monkey abuse. More details of this may arise here later, but it is way off the topic of this blog, and may never amount to anything anyway.
2. I have prised a lap-top out of the hands of my employers; I can now work away from the scene of my past crimes, and with the knowledge that my surfing habits (a) have already been restricted from outisde, and (b) can be traced, if necessary.
3. God is still there, for me to lean on, ready to help with my problems and my wife's. I must not forget to lean.

Let battle commence.

Memories

This is a problem for me at the moment.

I've seen so much porn over the last few years that I shouldn't really need to go in search of more; I could just flick through my brain for half an hour instead. Obviously, doing so just makes me wonder what new and exciting developments I'm missing on the website I choose to remember....

I wish I could forget.

The Lord will not hear me if I hold on to sin in my heart. Psalm 66:18 (New Life Version)

It's not even just porn. It's my teenage fumblings. It's fantasies I've held on to into married life. It's every woman I've looked at twice. The brief pleasure gained from all these things has been burned into my mind, and part of me still hankers after the same feelings.

I'm holding onto those sins in my heart.

Father God, I have confessed my sins to you. I have asked for forgiveneess. I thank you that by your grace I know I am forgiven for those sins.
But there is another sin: enjoying the memories.
Lord, these memories serve no constructive purpose in my life; I want to turn away from them and turn my thoughts to you. Father, forgive me for hanging on to the memories. They are hard to relinquish. Lord, I commit my thoughts to You.
Please take these memories from my conscious thoughts, and help me never to call them up again. Help me to see my past sins as you do, and hate the memory of them.
Father God, continue the work you have started, of creating a pure heart in me.
In Jesus' name.
Amen

Circles

I do seem to have been going around in circles.

I tell myself I won't do porn, MB, FHM... and then I do one or more of them, beat myself up for a day or two, feel bad and MB to medicate the feeling bad...

I have not descended to the depths I have in the past, but as I progress, I expect - demand - higher standards of myself (no MB being the main one), and increasingly fail to meet them. And so the circle begins.

To bring my faith back into the equation, I know I can depend on God's grace. I know that all I have to do is pray for forgiveness, and it's given. So what's my problem? Why do I still feel bad with every little slip, even ones that don't end in a porn binge?

Well, one argument is that I feel so crappy after a porn binge that it kick-starts my resolve. Which is true, but unhelpful. Binge-lusting is unhealthy, however infrequent.

As I continue my reading of In the Grip of Grace, I have realised one thing about all this. Although, deep down, I know all about God's grace and forgiveness, I have somehow neglected to apply it to the process of recovery. Getting free of porn is something I have intellectualised, and tried to do on my own.

I'm depending on my own achievements - days, weeks, months without looking for it - and not on grace. And that is precisely what Mr Lucado is trying to tell me does not work.

So how do I change the way I look at recovery?

First, do something about the cause. At the moment, that's the stress of having a month-old baby and her depressed mother about the house.

I can't do much about them - it's their home, after all - but I can do something about the stress.
Something more constructive than running away from it, and burying my head in the sand of porn until it goes away. I can give it to my Lord. And porn ain't my lord.

Second, do something about relying on my own achievements. I don't exactly know what, but I'm going to start by not counting the days I've gone without porn or MB.
Today will be the first; there will be no counting from here on.

Just one day at a time, by the grace of God.

Confessional

It seems, on the surface, a simple thing: I've looked at porn. That's my sin, and that's what I need to confess.

But it runs deep. My Top Ten porn-related sins:

1. Lust - a desire for the forbidden, especially in terms of sex - is the obvious, and the bulk of the sin related to this disease.
2. Lying - or at least, deception; not telling the whole truth. Even now I am hiding this from my wife. Not because I want to carry on. Maybe out of fear of her reaction, maybe just shame. I don't think it is right to tell her yet. Can I, then, repent of this?
3. Pride could, of course, be behind the deception. However, if the last 12 months has taught me anything, it's that I can't change without God. I think I've got this one licked.
4. Rebellion. I am, mentally at least, rebelling against God's commands regarding sex. I am certainly rebelling against His wishes for my mind and body.
5. Idolatry. That's all porn is. I have idolised sex, forgetting about God as I search for gratification through porn.
6. Sexual sin - sexual activity outside of marriage. In my fantasies I have committed adultery. MB on my own can be seen as sexual activity outside of marriage.
7. Envy. I have envied the lifestyle, the constant sex, the seemingly endless supply of girls willing to strip off for our pleasure (and, apparently, theirs). The ease with which it seems you can make money doing that sort of thing.
8. So maybe there's some greed tied up in this too.
9. On Sunday I go to church like a good little Christian, hypocrite that I am.
10. And all I have gained from this is a few moments of selfish pleasure.
    

As of today, with God's help, I am turning away from all of these. No longer will I use my mind or my body for anything that does not glorify God. I've put distance between myself and God; I have put out the fire of His Spirit.

I ask, in Jesus name, for forgiveness and refreshing.

About my Addict...

It's scary how big a part of me the Addict is becoming lately.

He's right, I'm stressed, but that's hardly an excuse for lust, MB, lying, putting a half-hearted day's work in at the office, and all the other stuff he's been up to lately. OK, no actual full-on porn, but the MB and the non-nude imagery that serve as a gateway have been making an appearance.

I don't like my addict.

I don't want to be that person any more.

The Addict speaks.

This is pointless. I'm just kidding myself this is a real effort to change.

Fact is, I don't want to change. I like porn. I like MB.

And I know, even if God-boy me is in denial, that even if I avoid porn for a week, a month, a year... I will go back. I hunt out my favourite girls again. Probably find some new favourites in the process. I'll collect the same pictures and movies.

So why waste time? Why not just cut the middle-man out and start now?

Besides, I need stress relief right now. Life with a month-old baby is stressful. Life with a depressed wife is stressful. Being a sexual person with no sexual relief is stressful. And being a sexual person, my chosen vent for all this stress is MB. That's hurting no-one, and it's helping me. Porn just helps me along the way.

So here's my new plan. Knuckle down, get the day's work finished early, and surf until knocking off time at 5.30. If I can get my work done, and finish at my usual time to spend some time with my family, who loses? Maybe, at some future time, sex will re-enter the marriage equation, and I'll re-evaluate things. Until then, I'll P&MB, in moderation, for fun and sexual relief.