A nicotine patch

The subject matter of this blog is such that, occasionally, there will be posts like this. The kind that may make you shout out ‘Too much information!’ and quickly reach for the Next Blog button (assuming you haven’t had that experience so far, of course). Today, circumstances require me to go a step further than I have so far. So reach for the button now. I won’t mind - remember that Audience of One. Anyway:

Although I haven’t looked for porn since starting this blog, I have, especially over the last few days, given in to the urge to masturbate. Nothing like on the scale of a porn-surfing day, and not just because I found myself aroused by a particularly nice model, but for its own sake. And, it has to be said, these occasions have been much more satisfying. Maybe it’s because masturbating has become a far less regular thing lately. Maybe it’s because it has been a genuine release of sexual tension on days without real intimacy. Maybe it’s because I was thinking about my wife and not some blurry video clip slowly downloading…

For all these reasons, masturbation is different without porn. Better.

I still worry that I’m doing it too much, but I realise it is the act of searching for mucky pictures that I’m addicted to, not the act of masturbation. It is however, a fine line I’m treading; as an addict, I realise I am susceptible to other addictive behaviours, and this could become one. But masturbation was not what I intended to give up, although I still expect I will do it less and less as I put porn further behind me.

For now, doing so without visual aids is another positive step, but one I take with care not to become dependent on it. Look on it as a nicotine patch for the porn addict. I’ll move down a size soon.

The bikini line

One way or another, I have found myself exposed to pictures of girls in bikinis over the weekend. Not really a big deal in itself (and more easily done than I had realised), but in my current state it can easily lead to the temptation to go further.

For now, the bikini is where the line is drawn. That's not to say I'm OD-ing on bikini models; I didn't, and don't intend to, deliberately seek out such images. That way can only lead to trouble. But as long as I stop there - which I did - and don't linger too long - which I didn't - I won't beat myself up over it.

Not crossing the bikini line is, in fact, a positive achievement.

However, if granting myself this freedom leaves me open to temptation, or I feel I may abuse the freedom, the line will have to move, and bikinis will have to be avoided too, however difficult that is. I hope I am strong enough not to have to worry about how to achieve that.

One thing is for sure though: the line will not move beyond the bikini.

Two weeks clean

It may not seem much, but every day counts, so going 2 weeks without looking for porn is a milestone worth mentioning.

Scribbling thoughts down here, and reading the comments that have come back, has been much more interesting than any number of adult websites.

And exorcising my demons, so to speak, even the thought of getting off my chest the tortuous route that led me here, has been immensely therapeutic.

Another Subject

Like I said yesterday, I’m not quitting out of religious guilt – I’m not religious. Which is to say, my faith does not begin and end with a list of rules. It is much more complicated than that.

True Christianity is about having a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.

I cannot begin to describe the depth of this relationship now – maybe I’ll try later, but today I have other things on my mind. Suffice to say that Jesus was prepared to take the rap for me, for everything I’d done wrong up until the point when I met him. My behaviour since that day, as a Christian, has been out of gratitude, not duty. I mean, the man died for me. That deserves something, right?

When I discovered internet pornography, I gradually found I had less time to spend with him. I mean, the guy died for me, and a couple of naked women on a computer screen is more important than simple gratitude? How messed up is that?

I can’t get back the time I’ve wasted. I may well have missed out on some real blessings as I’ve drifted away. I wouldn’t blame him if he never wanted to see me again. But Jesus isn’t like most friends. Did I mention he died for me? I expect he wants his sacrifice to be worth something, so he welcomes me back. It’s a testament to the depth of this friendship that he is the only one who really knows the extent of what I’ve done, and what I’m trying to achieve now.

It’s not like old times yet – maybe it never will be. But I’m sure as my journey out of pornography progresses, my journey back to Jesus will do so as well.

Here’s looking to the new times.

Killing my old man

I think at this point I should say that this change is not about religious guilt. I am not a religious person, I am a Christian – but that’s another subject.

This change is about improving my life, because I want to. Of course my faith will be part of it; it’s an integral part of who I am. But when I’m looking for porn, I’m somebody I don’t like. That’s why I’m changing.

So, why don’t I like porn-seeking me?

Quite simply, nothing else seemed to matter to me. I was late to work on a number of occasions because I would get up, switch the computer on, and get a fix before leaving the house. More recently, home-working became an option… do I need to go on?

During my last binge, even stopping to eat was a secondary consideration.

As for my sex-life, well… sure, the idealised nymphomaniacs I witnessed made real life sex look mundane, but the fact is, after a hard day’s masturbation I didn’t always have the energy or the inclination to please my wife. So a fantasy world that initially only seemed better eventually became better as the whole thing spiralled.

And the risk of my wife finding out was always there. Of course, she knows I’m a normal, red-blooded male, and find some women attractive. She doesn’t know the extent to which this has been distorted by my addiction.

But what about the pleasure porn must have given me? Surely that made up for it, otherwise why keep doing it? Actually, the pleasure bit was pretty brief, to say the least. At times, seeking stuff out was more a compulsion than a pleasure. I often found myself asking, ‘What is the point?’ but carrying on regardless. The need to feed the addiction removed most of the pleasure a long time ago.

The old me, the porn-seeking me, has stolen my life. My free time was taken over by the addiction, work I once enjoyed became a chore that got in the way of porn, sex with a real person became uninteresting, and for what? A momentary jolly in front of a computer screen.

That is why he’s got to go. That is why I’m killing my old man.

Prayer for a fresh start

Heavenly Father,

Thank you for hearing me, for listening to me.

Thank you for all you've given me, from my home and my job, to my wife, to the freedom I have to live my life the way I want.

Freedom I have abused in many ways. The freedom which means I can read whatever magazines, access whatever websites, watch whatever TV and movies I like... I've abused, and chosen sex and pornography above everything else. It's become more important than going to work, spending time with my wife, or with You. The things I want to do for You, using the talents you've blessed me with, have been completely forgotten, or at best taken second place to seeking out porn. It's gradually taken over my life, and turned me into someone I don't want to be. I'm addicted, and it still draws me.

So, I'm asking firstly for forgiveness, for a fresh start. I know You will give me that, and I thank you for it.

I'm also asking for help in controlling this addicition. I've got a new plan, and a new resolve, but I need your help, your strength, to carry it through. I need the strength, day by day, to avoid seeking it out. I need to know you're there, to feel your forgiveness and your support, to help me through each day.

Thank you Lord for your grace, which means I can come back, after putting so much between us, and ask for forgiveness. And get it! Thank you Lord.

Lord, hear my prayer, be real to me again, and make me the person You want me to be.

In Jesus' name,

Amen

Dear Deviant...

I’d like to thank you for your comments, they certainly helped me put things into perspective. Unfortunately, I’ve used all the same arguments to justify it to myself in the past, and they didn’t stop porn affecting my work, my marriage, and my prayer life. To me, there’s plenty wrong with it.

You say I should embrace my addiction – maybe you think I use that word glibly? Would you so freely offer a recovering alcoholic a bottle of whiskey?

The fact is I cannot hold it at arms length. One wank is never enough. That’s what addiction means, and that’s what this is.

I know it will never leave me. Over the years it has increasingly become my master, but now I’m taking control. It may well come back and bite me – it has done plenty of times before.

Maybe I’ve changed. Maybe I’ve let God take control again. For whatever reason, you’ve made me realise that I no longer share your attitude, and for that, I am truly grateful.

Post-Script

The post-script to yesterday’s post (does that make it a post-post? I digress) is that hitting the bottom as I did finally shook me into action. I don’t know why it was different to any other binge I’ve been on, or why (or even if) this will be more successful than my previous attempts to quit.

The prayer and purge last Friday did start to improve the way I felt about things. Putting my confession into words yesterday helped more. On Sunday I dragged myself to church, where at one time I wouldn’t have bothered without my wife’s encouragement. That helped too.

I made one more visit to that porn site – a fleeting one, just to check my subscription had been cancelled and I couldn’t access it. There was an enormous sense of relief when it denied me access! New parental controls (well, spousal controls) are now firmly in place.

I’m not ‘cured’ by any means; addictions don’t work like that, and there will be many more blogs of therapy to come…

The difficult second post

Difficult, because I need to expand on the events immediately leading to the step of baring my soul on the internet…

Well this time last week, my wife (oh yes, did I mention I’m happily married too?) went away for a couple of days. Boredom, loneliness and plain honest curiosity got the better of me, and I signed myself up for some top quality internet porn, which, in a nutshell, devoured pretty much the whole of the next two days.

This was a new low for me.

For one thing, what I was looking at was harder stuff than I’d been into recently.

For another, previously I would just randomly surf through free, anonymous sites, telling myself it was just harmless curiosity. This time, credit cards were involved. For the first time in my life, I was a paying customer for porn.

As much as curiosity was a part of it, there was no kidding myself this was nothing more than idle curiosity. It was a deliberate, calculated and conscious act of disobedience. There’s no way to dress this up: I had intentionally sinned, and did so for a large part of that 48 hour period.

Although I knew all this as I started out, it was soon forgotten. Until the Friday morning, when the realisation of what I'd been doing hit me afresh. Before I had time to change my mind, I shredded everything I'd downloaded over the previous two days, and during other, lesser porn binges, cancelled my subscription, and left the house.

I tried to pray about it repeatedly during that Friday, but the very deliberateness of my action left me feeling unworthy. I had hit rock bottom, and was desperately grasping for the way out.

An Audience of One

There are a few things to say in this introductory blog:

1: I am a Christian.
2: I have, by means which will be explained in the course of this blog, become addicted to porn.
3: A week ago my addiction crashed to a new low, and left me feeling unworthy to even crawl into God's presence and beg forgiveness.
4: The last time I looked at porn was the following day, 11th November 2004.
5: By nature, I am a writer, and I am using this forum as a form of therapy.
6: If anyone reads this and can give, or receive, encouragement, so much the better. But essentially, the only Reader I want is God.