July: a good month, all in all.

Porn-wise, it's been good. I've gone over two weeks without looking, and although I have been in tricky borderline areas a couple of times, I've known when to stop. So far.

I do have to admit to MBing a couple of times towards the end of that run, which lets the numbers down a bit, but the important thing is, it wasn't with porn, and hey, it's just numbers. Sometimes I wish I could have 'blue' days or something, for mb without porn, but I don't want to start justifying that. I know it's not as bad, but it's a step onto the slippery slope. So I'm using the start of next month as a new beginning, mb-wise, and hope to build on July's successes.

So, the stats, if anyone beyond me is interested:

January: 48.4% free
February: 67.9% free (01.01.06 - 28.02.06: 57.6%)
March: 67.7% free (01.01.06 - 31.03.06: 61.1%)
April: 53.3% free (01.01.06 - 30.04.06: 59.2%)
May: 80.6% free (01.01.06 - 31.05.06: 63.6%)
June: 70% free (01.01.06 - 30.06.06: 64.6%)
July: 74.2% free (01.01.06 - 31.07.06: 66%)

And my immediate aims for August, to stay away from porn, mb, and those borderline places; and to get a clear run of three weeks without porn.

Clean Freak: A Moment of Maturity

My wife is a slob. Left to her own devices, she would eat off paper plates rather than have to wash up. Cleanliness is a life choice, but one she has opted out of. I get my head bitten off if I suggest she picks her pants up off the bedroom floor - talk about your reverse stereotypes!

I, on the other hand, like some sort of order. I like food to be in the kitchen cupboards, rather than in carrier bags randomly located across the kitchen floor. And so - if I may be frank - from time to time, her slobbiness pisses me off.

And yet, over the last few days I have been building up to a moment of maturity. The moment when I realised that I would be far better off just getting on with the housework rather than wait for her to do her share. Turns out, it's a win-win situation:

• Little & often ultimately means it takes less time. It should at least remove the need to spend whole afternoons cleaning.
• If I keep on top of it, it will be easier to keep the house the way I like it - and I won't get depressed at living here.
• If I put a regular, sustained effort into the housework there is a slim chance my wife might put regular, sustained effort into noticing and maybe even appreciating it.

And as regular readers may know, feeling under-appreciated at home has been a trigger in the past. It's all good.

Still clean, btw - the absurd heat brings out the skimpy summer togs, but it saps the energy, so it all cancels out.

The little battles

OK, so Friday was nearly bad. I was kind of snooping around near those borderline areas, just seeing how far I could push things without having to call it porn... thankfully my wife turned up before I got myself into anything I couldn't get out of - or would have had to call porn. But I really shouldn't have been taunting the addict that way. He'll only end up getting the upper hand eventually.

And today... it's really bizarre how my brain's been messed up with this stuff. Many an innocent train of thought can get hijacked and taken to places I really want to forget. That moment passed without me wanting to act on it, so I needn't say any more now.

The little battles are many and frequent.

But for the moment, I am able to win them.

Let's pray it remains that way.

Learning to crawl part 3

One final observation from this little story, because, of course, I get to see it from the other perspective.

I could sit my daughter down with the toy she so desperately wants. I could. And I sometimes do. But I also sometimes leave her in the middle of the floor, with all her toys spread around her, but out of reach.

After all, why should she try to crawl if everything she wants is just handed to her?

How can I expect to grow if I don't learn from the trials put in front of me?

Learning to crawl: Part 2

I got distracted from following up this post, so here goes.

Like a baby learning to crawl, I have spent a lot of time struggling, moving round in circles but never really achieving anything, always ending up just as far from what I'm reaching for. And then I get frustrated. And that is when I should be crying out to Daddy for help...

There are some things I don't have the strength to do on my own, and I get frustrated when I try.

But, like a baby learning to crawl, I will develop, I will get the strength I need and, ultimately, I will reach my goals.


As of now, things are going well. The temptation has been and gone. Yesterday I made a click I shouldn't have - not porn, but it could easily have been something that triggered a relapse - but I turned away before any harm was done. I guess that's just to remind me that my demons are never far behind me...

Status report

First up, I've played about with some of the links, taken out some of the blogs that are no longer being updated, added a few more that come under the 'good clean fun' category, and added Shelley Lubben to the porn/addiction links. Hers is a story which anyone who thinks porn is 'harmless entertainment' should read. Now.

I've put off doing the stats. They're not going to look good. But since we're mid-year, it seems sensible to check on progress so far...

January: 48.4% free
February: 67.9% free (01.01.06 - 28.02.06: 57.6%)
March: 67.7% free (01.01.06 - 31.03.06: 61.1%)
April: 53.3% free (01.01.06 - 30.04.06: 59.2%)
May: 80.6% free (01.01.06 - 31.05.06: 63.6%)
June: 70% free (01.01.06 - 30.06.06: 64.6%)

Actually, that could have been worse. My 80% target for June went panwards, but at least the overall progress didn't slip. Didn't improve, but let's accentuate the positives, eh?

July got off to a poor start, but I can still achieve that 80% if I stay clean from now. My immediate goal (OK, beyond staying clean for today) is a week without p or mb.

Finally, I should probably explain my last comment here, for those who take an interest in such things. I felt the need to delete a comment from the anonymous commentor, because there's a time and place for that sort of thing. Advice without context just comes across as judgmental, over-critical and above all unhelpful. Anyway, my last comment was a reply to the one I deleted, which is why it no longer made sense.

Procrastination: my downfall

There's a couple of people I need to talk to about work. People who, for one reason and another, I don't want to talk to. So I keep putting it off. Finding other things to do. I need to buy some stamps. I need to sort the home insurance out. I need a shower. I need to take the baby to nursery. I need to write in my blog. Actually, it's really hot, I think I need another shower. It's lunchtime. I need to get some paperwork sorted. I need to check for updates to my favourite porn sites. D'oh!

And that's the way it happens. I try to escape unpleasant tasks by any means necessary, until time wasting gets ingrained and I waste time on internet porn.

I hate being so pathetic, I really do.

But I think I'm going to have to give up now. The reds are on the advance. Cutting down isn't going to be viable for much longer.

I've had enough; I'm porn free from now.

Cutting down

It's not the result I was hoping for, and given the addictive nature of the beast and that addictive behaviour is a characteristic I'm saddled with, it's not ideal.

But I have noticed that I'm cutting down.

I seem to have this thing under control, albeit a level of control which means I'm still exposing myself to porn & mb.

If I stumble into porn, there comes a point - within moments, not hours or even days as before - at which I just get bored. Occasionally I get to that point, and get diverted by something a little more twisted, then find myself thinking 'Eww, that's gross!' and shutting the PC down pronto. More often, I just get bored, think, 'wtf am I doing?' and go and do something more constructive. And so it is. Porn is losing its appeal, or getting to the point where I've seen it all before (as much as I care to see, anyway).

Obviously, I want to reach the point where I realise this without poisoning my eyeballs with another dose.

Unfortunately, mb is a tougher prospect. It has always been the thorn in my side, and that continues, with or without porn to facilitate it.

Well, that's not perfect, not by a long way. I can struggle on this way for a while, but there will come a point, probably quite soon, when I reach a junction: one way is the porn binges of the past, the other is 'cold turkey', a life without p or mb. The freedom of the future.

I guess I should prepare myself to make that decision - and if possible, make it before the addict forces the issue.

Another fresh start

Well, I'm back at day one again, and it seems there's no better time to make a fresh start than Day One, so that's what I'll do.

I have, thanks to a couple of recent slips, got a bit of a backlog of work. So I probably shouldn't be blogging right now, but I've started, so I'll finish.

First priority, then: get up to date with my workload.
Then: sort my timetable out so I can get back into the SCF course. I think I can get something out of it, provided I can find the time to commit to it properly.

The fact that the porn yesterday really didn't do anything for me should, I hope, give me some kind of incentive to get back into this. I know I can do it; I just need to find my resolve again.

I blame Portugal

I'm having a bad day. I went and looked at some porn earlier, but I'm not really beating myself up about it - I didn't even enjoy it. I'm just annoyed at myself now.

Part of the problem is that I didn't really get into the swing of the SCF thing before I got too busy to fit it in - the lessons seemed to take a lot longer than I had expected, and messed up my working days. I obviously need to readjust my day to fit it in somewhere, but I need to clear by backlog and make sure I'm a bit further from the edge... yes, I can feel myself slipping closer to a full on porn binge. At the moment I have some control - I can turn away, but in the back of my mind, I may choose not to.

I think the heat's just messing with my head a bit. I'm pretty sure it's not really Portgual's fault.