Links

One of the things I want to do here is provide porn/addiction links for my own use and that of fellow strugglers. One of the major problems with using Blogger as the forum for this is that the 'Next Blog' button can, occasionally, lead to some very unsavoury locations.

So I will also be adding to the list of blogs, with those related to porn addiction as I find them, Christian bloggers of interest and other good, clean entertainment that gets recommended to me.

So we'll start with the latest additions to the sidebar: porn war, a porn addicts blog with added anti-porn links. Well, the internet's a big place, we can afford to have a few of those :-)

And Ponderings of a Porn-less Gadfly, another blog, this one by someone who it seems kicked the habit some time back and wants to impart some advice and wisdom on the subject. He seems to have been distracted by complaining about certain on-line forums lately, and I hope he gets back to his original aim quickly.

More will, hopefully, follow.

Good days, bad days

Thursday was a good day. I got through it without a stray thought, got a whole heap of work done, and things at home seem to be returning to something more approaching normal than they have been for months. Mrs 386 seemed almost to her old self last night. I even prayed. And realised that I haven't actually done that for, well, I can't remember how long.

Is it a coincidence that things start to look up so soon after I decided to get back into my recovery program?

I must not get complacent though; even now there's a stray thought tugging at my brain, a website I can go and find. I won't. I will stay strong today.

Forgiveness

That's my problem at the moment.

There's just one person I cannot seem to bring myself to forgive.

I know I should. It wasn't his intention that I should get so hopelessly addicted to porn that this blog turns into an endless repetition of binge-purge-feel crappy-repeat at leisure.

I think this is perhaps something I need to address before I can get closer to God and move on in this journey.

But how do you forgive someone whoi has had such a huge, long-lasting, negative effect on your life?

Especially when that person is yourself?

Yesterday passed without incident, and at the end of Wednesday, my running total for days without porn or mb are:
January - 48%
February - 59%
2006 - 53%

The journey (re)starts here

Yesterday's post came in the aftermath of a (albeit brief) stint of p/mb.

Afterwards, I cleared out my hard drive, and now run a porn-free PC (again). And I feel better. Just having the stuff there, knowing it was easily accessible, whether I intended to use it or not, had become an obstacle. However well it was hidden on my PC, if I tried to turn to God, it loomed large between us. There was no way I could reach God with that porn in the way, so I would settle for the porn instead.

Eventually the emptiness got too much. It sucked. In fact, it sucked the will to live right out of me, replacing it with the will to do more and nastier porn. The habit had me again. I may have turned back just in time.

I have some reparations to make with God, and the process may take some time, but I'm back in the fight now. The journey starts here.

Help me, I'm lost.

I wandered off the track a while ago.

Everything seemed to be going ok, I had been quite happily porn-free for a bit, but when things got tricky...

I went back. It started fairly low-key. A quick MB to relieve tension, then on with life. But I let it suck me in. Porn stuck its hooks in and dragged me down. Right under. I went on a binge, big time.

Now I've stopped. I've had enough. I don't want to waste any more time on this crap.

But it's left me empty. Without porn, there's nothing. I don't know where God is. I don't even know where I am.

Surely, it can't end like this? How much more tunnel is there before I see the light?

I'm still alive.

Just checking in.... normal service will resume shortly.

Things went downhill for a while, but have started to pick up again now. My running total for '06 is currently way down, just over 50% of days with no p/mb, but I think I rescued myself before getting into serious hardcore binge territory again.

More on which, maybe, later.